Cheating part 1

Welcome to Sex and the one, the podcast with B and KB,

getting down and dirty about all things, love, life, sex, dating and relationships.

Yes, six, number one, I think I saw you. I feel like

that's a perfect introduction. Wondering how you

were going to do that. Like, you know, I

told you, relaxing. You're

like, what are you doing? For those of you who don't know, no, you've been living under a rock, if you don't. But anyway, super, super exciting. Me, your frenzy, yeah, my God, that's not the right word. Probably not super exciting, not for the people involved. I don't think, I actually don't think it's exciting for anyone. It's not. I think it's a little bit terrifying, to be honest, terrifying. Yeah, correct word. I apologize for my lack of vocabulary use in that section, but you can't deny that there's been a complete media frenzy surrounding this cheating scandal as of late, and to be honest, we have our own thoughts on that. For the people that haven't seen should we say what we're talking about? Yeah, the Coldplay media scandal, the Kiss Cam, the Kiss Cam, yeah, that has put a couple's family and marriages in jeopardy, and their jobs and so much has spiraled from that one incident, one innocent incident. Is it innocent? Well, this is the question. And for the there will be people that haven't seen it and don't know. So I think what happened was, at the Coldplay concert, they tend to take out couples in the crowd, yeah, and do that most of sporting games as well. Evidence thing the Coldplay always do. So it was a thing that could happen, yeah. And they caught a couple embracing, and so the woman was standing in the front, the guy was in the back, and they were he had his arms around her in a beautiful hug, and then their face came on camera. Yeah. They were quick to duck, quick to hide, complete shock, which sparked the that that reaction sparked the reaction of the person who filmed the whole thing and then put it online and said, This feels weird. What do you think? And then the internet did its thing and found out that both of those people married to other people, yeah, quite public figures, I would say, like they're, you know, very high roles, yeah, within their business or company that they worked for. And that got us thinking. And it sort of aligns with, you know, some things that run through your book, and things that we have discussed about your own personal life. And I just thought that it would be good timing, I guess, to touch on some of those things, specifically around cheating, and some of the emotions that it evokes, what it brings up for people, how people handle, you know, some scenarios that may have popped up in their dating lives or their relationships. And there's a few things, but the one, the first thing I wanted to touch on, specifically, like, I just want to make clear that I mean, Condon or support this behavior in any shape or form, but it's not black and white. And I think that, you know both of us, we like to get into things, and we're gonna get into it because it deserves to get into but we do know people that have been affected, you know, by cheating. I don't know anyone that hasn't been affected quite, not themselves, necessarily, but they know someone who's been cheated. And as you know, we like to, you know, hold discussions that, you know, we don't want people to feel shame around, you know, scenarios like this. We don't we want to be holding the conversations and holding people accountable. And I think that it's okay to talk about but I know that, you know, there are a few women that do carry shame around, oh, I've been cheated or not. So we're going to talk about it, and we're going to talk about it openly. And well, we're openly and vulnerably. Yeah, we are. And who are you? Miss KV with a little kidspot article. Yeah, Legend of my own

lunchbox. That's what I used to say back in the day. Yeah, that

was really fun. That was really fun. So

the people that don't know kidspot.com.au did a feature on you, on Well, my role as a mother and other things that have happened to me in my life, and put it all together. And it was very interesting, because the woman rang me and she interviewed me, and she asked me lots of questions about what it's like to be a sole parent, what it's like to have for neurodivergent kids, how that feels and whatever. And then obviously, we talked about the book, and we talked about, you know, a little tiny bit about the podcast and stuff like that. And then, of course, she'd write it so she so I didn't know what she was gonna say in the interview, and the headline comes out, I wrote a sex list. Well, the sex list spurred from a life changing moment for you, and that sex list has propelled you into your current lifestyle. And who would have thought that how what I loved reflecting upon that like read the article, it touches your internals. It really does, especially because you know, if you've been listening from the start, I feel like you would know us by now, like you know who we are as people, the values that we hold. And it was a beautifully written piece on on your life and those really crucial points that they may have been negative at that time, but the spin on the positivity of them now, it's one of those things you don't realize how much you've grown, or how much has happened, until someone asks you about it and you talk about it. And I cried twice when she interviewed me. And I have cried about my parenting journey for a very long time. Yeah, so it was very cathartic to talk about my sex list. Yeah. Well, yeah, on kids spot, we know a little bit, we know a little bit about the sex list, but you know, you can read about it, yeah, in more detail in the book? Yes, all the audio book. The audio book is cool because you hear your voice, so I like listening to you. But if I

told you the tip about

that, I'll give people this tip. There's a lot of neuro diversion people in my life. Yes, I love them. And whenever they listen to audio, I say 1.3 speed. Ah, direct speed to listen to me.

Okay, I didn't do 1.3 I listened at one wow. You listen to slow version. Okay, 1.3 you would be

fine to do 1.7 probably. But I probably. But

okay, move on to the next thing. Yeah. Well, there's something that maybe we haven't been very clear about, but I feel like we may have touched on this previously, but we did record a few episodes in the very beginning that we never it was published. It was just one, just the one. Yeah, just one. Well, we redid one once. Yeah, yeah. So there were a couple questions into one now, and I think it's time that we revisit that. That was episode two. So we got together in wherever that place was, in that tiny house, and we recorded nine episodes. And number two episode of The Nine was the one we pulled. It was deep, yeah. And to be really frank, there was some fear around it being published, and now your book's released, and now you've got this kid's spot article, and now we have the Cole play schedule, and I just wanted to, yeah, I we've been talking about it, and you're like, it's time. It is time that we talked about this story, yeah, and I know it's really personal, but you know, I heard you last night with the kids, and you're just so authentic in everything you do, and I think you need to be praised for that. And I wouldn't, I want to acknowledge like that bravery every single day you stand in your truth. There's no fucking bullshit to the story. This is the story. This is what happened to me. These are the facts. Yeah. And you're like, and I own that. Anyone fucks with you, you come to me, yeah? And I'm really, you know, I'm proud of you. So let's, let's talk about, thank you for making me cry before I tell the story. I appreciate that. Let's talk about the reason I'm sick, the

reason why you love sex so much. Well,

love to have sex? Well, seen as a positive. So anyway, so people have already guessed. So this is so with

a bit of background. I I became interested in my ex husband when I was 18 years old, and pursued him, which is classic for me. Even at 18, we started a relationship really quickly. We were together four years when we got married, almost five years then we had our first child two years later, another year after that, and then so we'd had four kids in quick succession that was seven years apart our kids. Why did you pursue him? What was it about him? What did I like about him? He seemed calm, kind. He wasn't like the other guys. No one else was interested in him, and not that, you know, that's not in A that was, that was a positive for me. He wasn't one of the popular guys. He was one of the quiet guys in the corner. But on my birthday, he picked a flower from a tree and gave me the flower. Oh, sweet. At 18, that's special. And I had not had any attention from a man. So my first boyfriend, he was my first boyfriend, and I am one of these people. I jumped all in, and I'm still the same in every area. I jumped all in. He was in. I wanted him. I was going to marry him and have his children at 18. I made that decision, and I asked him to marry me every day for a year, did you? And he said, Yes, every day. And then I said, so we're engaged? And he'd say no, and which is funny now, but looking back, red flag Central, but like I put my self esteem was such that I just, you know, I brushed aside all of the things that we people would now consider red flags. My self esteem could not have been lower as a woman, as a as a contributor to society. It was I was, I was incredibly affected by my childhood and things that have happened there, which is, of course, another whole pod in itself. And I picked the mirror of who I was at the time, which was a very, I guess, was a low Escher one for me, right? But he was kind for me in that moment. We think that's where I was at, yeah, within that time before you got married, were you, would you say that there was an element of what you thought was love? Yes, yes, 100% is it? Is it love to you when you reflect? No, no. He loved elements of me. He loved that I paid attention to him, and he hadn't had that either. But I actually think looking back now, he was in love with someone else at one point whilst you were dating, yep, and there was a couple of people over the time that I remember thinking, This feels weird. Your relationship. At one point, I was working full time, and I funded for him to go to university, and he, the people who he was hanging out with at university were all women, because he was doing nursing. And one of the women there, I remember thinking their friendship felt weird to me. I didn't mind him being friends with women I've never had an issue with, like I always, I have always felt people have value outside of their sexuality and whatever, like this sexual orientation, you know, and their being. But he, yeah, that that relationship felt weird. I remember thinking about that at the time, all of these things that you just Russia described, and we actually, let's do an episode on what to notice when, when things yes happening Yes, because that's, that's another whole thing in itself. Because this red flag was before you got married, no, the beginning of your marriage. One of them was before we got engaged. Yeah. And you just like, kept going, I, I was suspicious, but I, but he told me there was nothing. And I believed him. I'm the whole truth and the truth type person, and I felt he was the same. So there was no point where I felt like he was actually cheating on me during the marriage. And I had told him numerous times for years and years and years, the only thing that will ever stop this marriage from being progressing is if you cheat on me. That's the only thing I would put up with anything else look for you now,

not in a relationship. I am a free bird. I

fucking believe I would even say that this is the truth, because I had four children, and they had lots of challenging behaviors, as I've discussed many times, and I couldn't perceive that I could do it without him. And so there was just nothing he could do that I felt was worthy of me. Then having to do it on my own, other than, except for cheating, for some reason I had this thing, and again, we need to, like, pull that apart. Why is cheating the thing that was not okay? Because there were many things he did to me that were not okay, but apparently they were okay, but she wasn't black, white. I know people that wanted to stay, that did stay, that didn't stay, and I don't know. I think individually, it comes down to the to the person well, and it's like, Whatever you decide is your value, and I would never cheating would not be one of the things that would be my value. Things that would be my value. Now, like, at all, to be honest with you, but then that was my big value. And so what had happened is, over time we progressed, we ended up having quite separate lives, but we were living together. He felt, and I didn't know this, that we were kind of like, not, we were already separated. He just never discussed it with me. So he would go to bed at a later time. We would like, we would never cuddle, like, it just became a very separate relationship to the point where we hadn't had sex in two years before, when we were separated. And we will not reflect, we will not talk about the 10 years of no oral sex for me.

Yeah, right. Oh wow, yes. Let's just pause

on that. Did you see my eyeballs? My eyelids just went like I he didn't like it, and he didn't like it. He wasn't gonna do it. Oh no, this is important piece of the puzzle. Yeah, it's a very important piece of the puzzle. He didn't want to, and I didn't want to and I didn't want to make him because he doesn't want to do, oh, KV I know. Can you argue? I know. I don't know. If we would have been friends there, we would not have been friends. What the fuck are you doing 100% and I people like, I speak to people now, when I'm at work and stuff, and I'll go, how do you accept that? And they'll be like, Well, I'm not you. And I'm like, I was you. I'm telling you I was you. Don't become like, you know, like, don't accept it because, like, me accepting it was not okay. The evolution of Chris valet, yeah, yeah, oh, I love it, exactly. So what happened was he was very attached to his phone, yeah, okay. And we didn't write, like, we haven't talked about the signs, yes. And so it was back in the day where, you know, like, they didn't have the Message Threads. So you send a message and then you receive a message, and they're in separate containers, yeah, yes. You get, like, multiple Yeah, but they weren't in a line. And so he had a shower one day when he woke up and he left the thing. He left his phone on the charge. And I can only tell you what was intuition. The baby picked up that phone. My gut would chew, flip open the phone, first thing I see boobs, and he wrote, I can't wait to sink my cock into that walk into you, or whatever, something in that vein. And I thought, Oh, now, you know, there's a question, When did cheating occur? Yeah, that's 100% cheating. Regardless of all the other messages that I read, I read as many things as I could read in the five minutes that he was in the shower, every single message made me feel physically ill, and I put the phone back on the charge, and I thought, I can't do this now. I can't do this now because my kids were all in the house. They all had to go to school. I had to function even in that moment I'm like being a mother. I chose motherhood, and I've chosen motherhood every so many fucking times. And I regrets for that. And I said to him, I feel really sick. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Could you please put one of them on the bus who was, whatever they were, the first kid? And I knew I wasn't going to get a bed and do that. And he, like, abused me in, not in a like, he didn't swear at me, but he can't, you do it like, you know, something, in some sort of mean scenario. And I remember, and I remember looking at him thinking, like, like, I don't even know who you are anymore. You know what I mean? Anyway, thankfully, I had an appointment they take to see my healer at the time. I mean, hello universe. And I went to see her, my girlfriend picked me up, and my girlfriend drove. I couldn't function like, I just, like, I just completely lost it. And the healer said to me, she just told me what to do. Like, she obviously did a lot of her thing, but she was like, right? So you're gonna go home and you're gonna pack his bags, you're gonna put them on the front wall, practical stuff, you know, like, just that, everything that was was to happen and and it to the point where she said, You're not talking to him today. He's not worthy of speak to you. You can talk to him at some point, but you need to take care of you. Life is no longer about him. He's he's just not in your life anymore. I'd made the decision. She was supporting me, just to be clear, like she didn't tell what to do in the sense she showed me leaving, I knew it was done, and I put it like my girlfriends, like, who were amazing at the time, put everything into action with me. So it was to the point where I texted him and I said it was over. Yes, I did it by a text and talking me stuff was at the house, had the kids at another girlfriend's house. The kids weren't didn't witness any of it, and my sister came and spoke to him, and I was somewhere else, so I wasn't with the kids, but with a girlfriend. We had it all sorted so the kids were the least affected. Then we had the kids come home, and I lined them all up on the couch, and my sister and I told the kids together, which was the most horrifically, it was the worst conversation I've ever had in my life, telling my children that their father isn't coming home. Three of them just absolutely person to tears, and were just devastated. And one, you know, didn't know what was going on, didn't couldn't register, didn't have that capacity to register, and so just went off and started playing with these boys. So imagine that moment, and I thought, and if anyone knows anything about autism, change sucks. Yeah, people hate change. And I changed my kids entire life, and I knew in that moment that I needed to step up and be 17 parents. And I've been telling people this for like, 15 years. I'm 17 parents for those children, because they didn't ask for that. They didn't want that to happen. I made it happen, and I was going to make sure that that didn't affect them in a negative way any more than it already was. And so I took that really seriously, and I met with him three days later, when I was fine enough to do that, I'd already gone to the doctor. To the doctors and upped my medication times 1000 sleeping tablets. I was on everything. It's just you physically like, other than the emotion that you're feeling like you, you just those emotions took over, and your whole body just shut down. Yeah? I think I lost 10 kilos in a week, or something like something ridiculous, stress, a huge amount of space is real. Yeah. And I had been, at the time, trying to lose weight just to get him to love me again. I again. Ironic, is that asshole? Yeah, sorry, you can say it. So three days later, I, you know, when it was all calm, calm enough for me to be able to look him in the eye. I actually said to him, one of my first questions was, did you go down on Oh, stop it. He was and when he said, Yes, I wanted to. I wanted to punch him in the face. I thought, you fucking whatever you just said earlier, see you next Tuesday. Yeah. I thought, Oh my God. And he said, and, like, that was like, so, you know, what did you have a betrayal moment? That was the betrayal moment. I get it. I completely understand what do that for me, but you'll do that for her, Yes. And 10 years, and he protected her too. She was a married lady that I never thought of who she was. No, I actually, you know, I've lost interest in her. Interest. But just for you, I looked at the time, I remember spending three months because it wasn't like the old phones, like plastic. She would change the phone, but she, like, he told her, and she was there running, I love you and stuff, back to each other at the time. Yeah, yeah. She dumped him on potato, when, when his marriage ended. And anyway, he'd said all these things. And my healer had said at the time, this isn't the first time, and you know it, yeah, and you did, and she was right. And I said to him, I know this isn't the first time, and I know you've done it many times. And he had said he admitted to doing it other times, and he admitted to less than I knew that he'd done. I'd found letters in the house from the one that was before we were engaged, the love letters that he'd written to her, and he denied that, and but you know what? In that moment, I didn't care. I didn't care. I cared that he'd done it. I didn't care about his truth. I didn't need him to tell me the truth. I knew the truth. And so people are people. When they talk about cheating, they talk about, I don't have any proof. I needed the proof. What we're not we're not in a court of law. He's not going to jail. You just need to know that the truth is for you. So my truth was he was never going to admit to all the times he'd done it. He was just never going to do that. I don't need him to. I just know he has Yeah, but denial probably plays a huge role in the other women men that you're talking about, because if it's not there, then it's not real, yeah? And we can go on and we can move on, and we can pretend this didn't happen, and play happy families. And there are families that you know this, they say, and the behavior continues. And you know, you're made to feel shit every time you know something is occurring, but you've got to pretend that nothing's you know. So would you have rather? And obviously you didn't. But like, people, would you rather stay and put your children in this fake family situation? Well, see, this is the thing, right? So this is the thing because, like, I don't know whether or not if I found out it was just that one woman and but it wasn't just that one woman. Maybe if it was just one woman who said, I just one woman who said, I love you, let's work it. But he didn't. And I'm, you know what, I'm so fucking grateful to him for at in the end, admitting he didn't love me, he didn't want to be with me, he wasn't in our marriage, and he was glad it ended. And thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that being the case. Don't pretend. Don't try. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, the fact that he did that. And the kicker for me, because that relationship was over, if, like, well before that anyway, and most relationships do end before they end. Yes, but why can't you just stamp it and be like, Okay, this is it. Like, it caused so much pain. Kids tend to put a car wash on it a lot of the times too. But I think I had grown. I had decided I was worthy, and so therefore I saw the mirror of my worth, and it wasn't him. He wasn't the mirror of my gosh, what a beautiful moment. And, and, you know, what do you know, what do you know? What the best bit was. This is like, the best bit, slash the worst bit. I said to him, why did you do it like? What, like, what? What would cause you to do it? And he said, I loved it. It was so fun. I really, really enjoyed it. And the idea of you finding out one day made me smile. I The look of devastation that I pictured on your face. Oh, my God. Was so fun for me. Oh my gosh, it's almost evil. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, the thrill, like, is it the thrill over the reality? Like, the dopamine hits, like, is it worth that? Is it worth it? Like, are you that? Like, where's the empathy there? So this is the thing, the mother of his children, and I am certain that in that moment, he felt the guilt, like, like, you know what I mean. So he said that, it's very honest with you, and, he felt the guilt, and I have not discussed it with him since, and the reason is I don't care now, like he is not relevant to me, and so he has now reaped the rewards of the choices that he made in that his relationship with his children is nowhere near to the level of my relationship with my children, and that's his choice, and he gets to live that life of whatever, however he feels. I don't know if he feels regret. I don't know if he wishes it had been different. I don't know how he has played that out in his own brain. And I don't care, because it was over in that moment, and I just I spent no time factoring him into my life ever again. I don't care what his needs are. I don't care what he thinks. And when I'm making decisions about the children, it has nothing to do with him, unless it has to do with him, you know. Like, yeah, if they're in an ambulance, yes, going to the hospital, he's still their father. Yeah. Like, I will never, not crisis moment, I will never not involve him in the important things in their lives. And we just we, you know, we recently had David's 21st and that was fantastic, and we celebrated that together. So I'm telling you this story, and it hasn't worked out that we're now not speaking to each other. That is not the case. That would not be me being a good mother. And again, my mothering is the most important thing to me. Me, to be a good mother, I have to form some sort of a relationship with their father that's mutually beneficial for the children. Like, fuck me. Had to, had to. But this is years in the making. Like, this isn't just overnight, like, it's it's not an easy decision. It's not like to have put yourself and the kids in that moment be like, This, is it done? Yeah, and then all that you went through as a solo parent, like, I just fuck, I don't even Can you tell him a bit,

I have no words, because I really feel and there actually are no words. There are no words for some things that have happened, you know, and but the thing is, like, I know what I see a lot of people doing is they keep attributing things to their ex, and what I was lucky enough to be able to do was to let the ex things go. So I stopped blaming him for not being here. I chose for him not to be here. But like, you know, I stopped, I stopped wishing that things were different. Yeah, they're not different, yeah. Too bad. This is the way your life is. Yeah, moving on. So and like, I wanted him to be a better person. I was embarrassed that this is who I was, who I'd married. I was embarrassed this is who my children have, this as they're wrong with all those their father. Too bad I can't change too bad. I just have to, like, be the best person I can be, and hopefully that's enough. Yeah, well, it is, and it was, and it still is, like, your kids are fucking amazing. Look at Macy Italian eating things. I was going to say that it seems like that decision was almost immediate to you, and it was like a switch you inflicted, and you're like, I'm fucking moving on. So you had that discussion, and then you picked yourself up, and you kept doing on, but you kept going on, going on. Not to say that you didn't have little moments in between, and I know that you did, and they're very and I know that you did. And they're very, yeah, they're deep as well. But just you're not, like, you're not alone, and we know that. And I hope that the listeners are hearing this because and feeling it because, like, the evolution from then to an end, like, you made that decision there, but you're still almost that same person, yeah, with just a higher level. Well, let's talk about that. Because let's go from that to Let's lighten it up a bit. Yeah, lighten up base. Because the kids, what article there? Isn't like we're talking reason, like, we're talking about this now, like, the reason why the article existed was because we talked about the sex list, yes. So, like, I spent three months, what I would call in bitter town. I gave myself three months to be angry and upset and, like, just, like, bitter feel the grief of 100% I was like, three months, you've got three months then you just, like, then you pull yourself out of this. And in a three month point, I was like, Well, how am I going to pull myself out of this? Like, what? What am I going to do? Because, like, my daily life with the kids was very, very, very, like, I can't even, like, you can't even give examples. It was so, like, traumatic and, and they're the most beautiful, beautiful, beautiful children, but they all have very, like, they all had very high needs at the time, and so I'm just even activities, it's like, to have kids, yeah, like, just regular, like, things were hard. And I remember thinking, what, how am I going to do it? And then I and then, of course, as is always the case, my kids know what makes them joyous. They know what makes their innate ability, what they're interested in. And like, you know, you know, my son being so interested in numbers, and he's still brilliant numbers. He can look at something, read the whole thing, yeah, it's like, what am I interested in? What do I like? No one knows the answer to that. It was sex. I haven't had sex in two years. I've been leaked out,

no pussy action, as they say, and

like, no like. And so I was like, I wonder, this is me genuinely. I wonder if another guy would be willing to do it. I wonder just I was attractive enough for a guy to do it. This is like, genuinely where I was at. I wonder whether or not they would, and I'm going to run would and I'm going to write down all of the things that I wanted to do when I read the novels that you read now, what you did? You read mills and boon I did. Read mills and boon I read mills and Boone vampire novels. I used to read them all. And I thought, I thought, I am going to write some of this stuff down and start taking it off. And that's where it started. My life started to turn around when I focused on my own joy, when the kids read their dad's not when they were, oh, look at you. You're respectful. Mother. You know I understand. But look at that. Your life took off. Yeah, once. And I will say to the grave exactly, but I will tell you to I will speak this over and over again to the grave, that was the fucking best thing that ever happened to me. Getting cheated on was the best thing that ever happened to me. Cheers to that. My life was not going well. Cheers to that.

and and that's all she wrote. Let's talk more about cheating

next week. Yes, red flags everything I want to go deep into it. Let's go. Bye. Love you. Thanks for listening to sex in the one an original podcast.