The Drift

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Happy Tuesday. Happy Tuesday. Who doesn't love a Tuesday? Welcome back. Welcome. Welcome to jingle. Welcome back to us, back in the podcast room. I know we love the podcast room. We do have you, yeah, think about the other time I work easier. Hopefully you never know the quality of content. This is the OG space. You know, great

I've had, actually, the last few weeks have been very lots of shifts have been happening in my emotional strength, which will come out in the next few episodes, I think, just some different ways of I think just some different ways of thinking,

different levels. Yeah, it's

like, that feeling

of exhaustion, it just trigger, actually

triggers me from like, Oh, how did I survive? Like, how did I get through

this? Because I feel like that, yeah, I was sleep obsessed. So I had, like, no sleep,

and I was obsessed. Whenever I could

get sleep

yesterday, that's two days we're gonna hear it

didn't work when you had sex. On top of it, just practicing this is the mood that our boarding sign that KBS in. So who knows what she's going to come out with today.

He went out last night. And this is like,

that husband does that, yeah, and I'm just so

happy. That's awesome.

That's the first time they come home safely. Tell me about it. What

did you do? This is me about it. What

did you do? And speak that these kids in touch, just, you

know, with these skills for a long time, and you know, but I think the message, I think, is different friends from different walks of life, the President been in my life, since women are my values, and starting to choose to spend some more time with people versus

being more it's like

a battery, And that battery drains, and That drainage, yeah, yeah. Well,

to allow this.

And at times where, where are we? And there's been a

few instances. One, yes, right?

But they both sat there and said two scenarios, two separate

comments. But actually one of my

husband was like, I am from

the situation. Like, give me more the other one.

Okay. Other one, whatever I deal with it, but it deep seated trauma stuff. He's passed my past, whatever. And I couldn't put my finger on it, but we all, like these women, and I have both said popping up, and I feel like we're not having enough time here at all. Things that used to work aren't working anymore. Life's getting busier. Like, what are we going to do? What can we do? Because we want to, like, how can we fix this? So, you know, there were little what's broken? Like, yeah, yeah. Like, why is that disconnection? Is it broken? Yeah. It's like, what are you expecting? Like, what's the goal? Like, and what are you expecting to be? Like, this, I see it like, yeah. And I see it like, you know the old phone lines, where you can see the chords, and then sometimes when you're on the phone, you feel like this, cross over, my brother, yes. And it's like, not disconnected, but it's easy, yes.

That's the exact analogy. That's

for you 10 xs out there. I know you're the wrong generation to get that analogy, but I like it. Did you be on the phone, this other person talking, yeah, talking, to listen to what they were saying. Yeah. How's that? Called across? Oh, yes, across line, yeah. So you're not quite disconnected, but there's like, a kink so, you know, in So in these two relationships with these two people, yeah, both of them felt like they had kinks in the relationship. And they went to their husbands and they went, I'm not happy. And so one husband said, me neither. Let's work on this. Yeah. And the other one said what? The other one is nowhere to be seen. So he wasn't clearly in the first place. And my understanding it's they're separated, yeah. And he's now a completely different person. Like, done a complete 180 right? Yeah. Anyway, so it was addressing the kinks and how, and acknowledging them, and being like, look, we're in a lot. We're in a we've been together for ages. Like, of course, we need to work on things like, what's going on. And there was one day that Anthony were driving, and I think I kind of remember how it popped up, but there was a definite disconnect. Like, when I'm feeling disconnected, it's like, I'm a repellent, right? It's like, I've sprayed off. You know, the mosquito spraying. I've kept every mosquito away. The answer broke the mosquito, right? It's, I don't mean it like that. That wasn't the grain. I'm sorry you don't bother me. But we sat in the car. Disconnected, like, I don't know what's going on. And he was very emotional about it, and I just didn't see what he saw, yeah, because I just thought we could keep on just going on. But he's the one that actually raised it the first time, and the second time, this was within the same month. And the second time I raised it, I was like, Okay, this is why I got you now. Yeah, I understand now. Because I'm like, I need to see it, to believe it, sort of person, yes, or wanting to feel it and experience it myself. And I might think I understand it, but where is this coming from? Why am I feeling this way? And it was the littlest thing, like for us, because He does shift work. It's like, if I say, are you coming to school drop off with me? This is in my brain. And he says, no. Why do you want to spend time with me? I can one of My Love Love Languages is quality time, yeah? Plus affection, yeah. So I can sit in the car him, holding his hand. He could be taking those two things off. In my mind, I'm like, I'm a happy woman, yes, and that's all I need. Yeah, that 15 minute drive, get my coffee, get back in the car. I can see you again in two weeks time. I'm sorted, right? But he declined my invitation more than once that week, and I was like, Well, fuck you. So if you're gonna be like this, that's very upsetting. But to me, I was like, he doesn't want to spend time with me. Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? And I'm spiraling in my own mind, so I let it get to a point where he's like, You are now the fucking ice queen, like you. He called me an ice cream right? And I was I was offended. I was offended. I get it, yeah. Anyway, getting to the point of my story. I'm liking this story. The point of my stories is so many other women that I have had spoken to had been experiencing the same thing and were wondering, like, so if you're experiencing this, and I'm experiencing this is normal in a long term relationship. And I think I couldn't put a word to it as to what it looked like or what it was, but you know how your phone listens to everything that you say, Yes, I do next minute. This amazing. Is it called quote, I would say, like a journal entry maybe popped up, and it's by this girl called Caitlin, right? So she basically journals the truth just on Instagram and social media, and she called this the drift, and she's so articulate in how she has spelled it out that I think it was worth US mentioning on the pod, okay, because there's more than just me. Let's go talk to me about the experience for drift. All right, when my husband and I almost fell apart, there were no loud fights, no cheating and no screaming, just a quiet, slow drifting that neither of us meant to let happen. It was in the everyday things where we simply stopped reaching for each other. It happened quietly, softly, and in the space between the dishwasher and bedtime, in the silence between Can you grab the milk tomorrow and did you switch the laundry? One day we were flirting in the hallway. The next we were just well, passing by each other, still loving each other, still committed, but no longer reaching for each other. That's the part no one talks about, not the drama, but the silent drift, the season where love becomes routine, where you're no longer holding each other, and somewhere along the way, you start feeling more like roommates than soulmates. A couple of years ago, that's where we were one night after weeks of us simply existing together, when my husband asked me if something was wrong, I told him the truth. I miss us. I said I didn't say to hurt him. I didn't want flowers, I didn't want fancy date nights. I just missed the little things. I miss feeling close to him. I missed us, reaching for one another the way he used to touch the small of my back when I cooked. The kisses for no reason, the soft, quiet moments that used to say, I still see you. After we talked, we climbed into bed, no more words, just silence, and his hand reaching for mine. The next morning, I added my morning routine to make our kids breakfast. As I stood at the stove making some eggs, he came up behind me. He wrapped his arms around me, kissed my cheek and whispered, I missed us, too. We're still here in that moment, just like that, something changed. The spark didn't come back with a grand gesture. It didn't come back during a fancy day. It came back in the kitchen while I held a dish together with the tired man I've loved for years, reminding me we're still in this we were broken. We were just distracted, tired, busy and normal. That moment reminds me of something I'll never forget. The spark doesn't die in one bit. Die in one big moment, it fades in 100 little ones. And if you're not careful, you'll start to believe the distance means your love is gone, but it doesn't. I have come to learn that love doesn't just vanish. It waits. It waits to be noticed, to be chosen again, to be restored in the quiet and simple moments, sometimes all it takes to bring it back is one soft kiss in the kitchen and hand place gently on your back, and two people can still believe it's worth the reach. I Okay, that is the truth, yeah. And she articulated that to a point where every time I read it, I have tears in my eyes because she couldn't say it any more clearer than what actually occurs on a daily basis. And that's why that car drives to school was so important, yeah, again. And that is why I had to tell him that, yeah, but he didn't know that. And so what happened after that? Oh, great. But, like, relationship, hearing all of that, I'm hearing it from a different perspective, and what I what I'm taking from that. And obviously that's just like etc itself as well. But um, it just goes down to the normal things that matter everything, everyone's life. The little things are always much more important than the big things. Like is that they're the things that I was in, me off in a good way or a bad way. For little things, communication is everything, and intention is everything. So like, if as a couple, if you don't get together and choose, like, your intention is to remain a couple, then, of course, it's an attractive Yeah. So like, it makes perfect sense, but that you can extrapolate that to all areas of what I guess you know, primary relationship would have the most significant impact, but I have adult children that I could talk to. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Like, you choose to remain involved in the people around you lives in the role that you choose to remain does, if that makes sense? So like, even us as friends, we intend to be friends, and therefore we are. It's a new effort. It's a Yeah, it's an intentional effort, yeah. But in your primary relationship, it's just that next level. And I'm thinking about those friends that I don't know any of them, of course. And you said one guy has disappeared, his intention probably wasn't to remain in the relationship, and so when the communication occurred, the intention wasn't the same page that all the truth just hurt his ego. Like she was not saying, I'm gonna leave you. She was saying, I'm not happy right now, yeah, and people goes, well, you're like, completely flipped it, and now she's not having a very positive

time. She wanted to look on it communicated

1,000% she should absolutely be communicating. But I also think it goes back to the whole ideology that people are supposed to be together forever. And not everyone is, yeah, not everyone is, because sometimes one person chooses to grow in a certain way. Now people choose to go another way. And honestly, it's very rare that someone would grow in the same way as someone else for 4050, plus years. It's rare, and I think it's amazing, and I know you're going to do it, and it's all good, but no, but, but. But, like, sometimes it's like, okay, well, this isn't, this is run its course, and that's okay too, because healing yourself really in a way, like, maybe this becomes out there. Maybe it's her, maybe she's the wife, but maybe she's maybe she's like, gonna something better. Now, you know what? I mean, yeah, it's not necessarily a bad thing, not that I'm not pigeonholed because I'm single. That's why I believe in because I don't, I don't at all. And I think healthy relationships are amazing, and I watch them, and I've got friends with them that I think, and I think they're incredible, like, your very good friends, yeah, yeah. I think it was more confronting to read and then to acknowledge, like, I didn't realize at that time I really meant as much to me as I thought. Yes, I think you probably would have yourself permission for you to care as much as you do about it, either, like, you know, like you went, actually, that means a lot, because if you said that, it's a separate thing entirely, you would go, I'm not stupid. That. Means a lot stupid. That means a lot because, because the context of it, but in the context, if you allow yourself for something, I think that's amazing. Yeah. So anyway, so these girlfriends, beautiful, and then the other friend identifying, I'm gonna know, but he fully embraced what she said, and he's, you know, seeking some counseling and things like that, externally, like, not with her, but nothing to do with them. There's a couple of things that she believes he needs to work on individually, to bring back into the marriage. And they're flourishing, like little, you know, it's just gorgeous. And I just, yeah, that was really nice to, I don't know, to hold space for women that can open up and share, yeah, their relationships like that. Because, you know, as grand as it may all seem, it's not always. And you know, life's hard, yeah. And I think you need to acknowledge that life's hard when you're having you're having a go, like, life's much easier when you don't try, you avoid the emotions, choose fear, pretend everything's hard when you're having a go, yeah? And we have a go and, like, what we discussing the other day, which, I think these, I presume these are the friends that have popped up since the pod started. Yeah, we both be and I had the experience whereby we have had people reenter our lives as a result of us speaking out on the pod about the things that we're interested in and whatever. And these people have appeared, and we are both Absolutely because we because our heart is pure and our intentions are pure, and we're both loving that these people are, you know, reaching out to us and sharing their stories, because their stories can then help to inspire others, and it just multiplies the world multiplies. Yeah, it's nice to know we're resonating with people, but then at the same time, like, I think hearing what we talk about and some of the topics, yes, topics are funny and they're relatable, maybe not so much label sometimes, but I don't know. It's nice to know that you're not alone, yes, and you can listen and be like, Oh, fuck, she feels the same way. Yeah, thank God. Like, it's a basic human thing, isn't it? You don't want to feel like you're the only I was discussing this this morning, actually, with someone else. I speak to a people beside you about how I used to see my bedroom as a child because I was like, blessed being a Gen Xer with lots of time as a child doing nothing, like, literally nothing. There was like no like, boredom was our middle name, which I'm so glad, because that's where my imagination came from. And I would sit there, I'm like, in the middle of my um floor, in my land, in my landing, in my bedroom, and I would say, someone else feels like this. Surely someone else would be doing this too, really? Yeah. And I the fact that I surely said, there's so many people in the world. I'm sure someone else is doing what I like to do too, and that would make me feel better, you know, like, because I wasn't alone, even though I was alone, I had no proof of that. I just, I just use my imagination. But I actually do think, I do think it's a blessing. Honestly, I know I'm saying like an old lady right now, you know, like you go to heaven with my surface in the morning, like it's five o'clock somewhere. You give yourself permission to happen by permission to happen. My voice up. You do that? No, yes. Surely. Who Judge me at work? Because I was like a poor eater for a long time. As you know, I used to go to work with lollies at work, and I'd started nine o'clock at one day, she's covering lollies at nine o'clock, but I will my body's my wife. It is just digest them now, then later. What a justification. That was like, What am I going all

these Mexico? Because we

say this resort keeps coming

up on my Instagram. It's called Secrets, yeah, and they'd have this little door, so you have a big door to get into your room, but then on the side of that, they have, like, a little door that they could slip a tray through to. Anything you ordered would come through these trays. They put the tray in through one door, and you'd open and get it through from the other side. So I'd order mimosas, because I could just champagne and orange juice in the mornings. Okay, would never happen. Oh,

French juice.

And then they go to breakfast. Like, would you like a mimosa? Mom? I'm like, yes, yes, I would like a mimosa. Go to Queensland. Like, oh, I got mimosa. Thanks. Because I want Yes. Like, switches me from one zone to another. Yes, I like the holiday by holiday, but I'm not, you know that feeling. Let's go back to that feeling of not being alone in my bedroom anyway. We're there anyway. And then the other thought, like, you know, all that things, illusion orientated, yes. So if this is how we're feeling now, got enough fucking lifetime of this, like we can't this, like, we can't keep, you know, can't, not, I don't know, I can't, like, get to this point again, like, and it's fine if it does, but yeah, we've got to be on to it, yeah. So yeah, these cards called relationship questions of the day, right? And I literally just would send an like, what? Like, he's at work, and I'm feeling a bit of like, there's a kink in the fucking while. Yeah, here's the question of the day, when you get home and they talk about this, right? Or what's the question? Yeah, tell me some questions. I've got a whole folder, and I was telling these to the girls the other day. I was like, you've got to just look at this because it gives you, I don't know, just makes you think about things differently. Yeah, but even if you answer, then there's just, like, a Wallace you want. So these are some of the questions. What's one thing you want to do together, but never done before? Ooh, I'm sorry. Is there a side of me? You wish I'd show more? Oh, what's one thing you love watching me do what's a song that reminds you of me? What's your favorite outfit that I wear and I see is this way I'm a psycho, because every single question is sexual. They're all

sexual for me. Well, we're gonna do a whole episode on that.

Yeah, yes, yeah, yes. I want to acknowledge the drift. It's fucking real quick. Can I just say one more thing about the dream before you wrap this up? I actually think that single people have to do too, because I know this is gonna sound ridiculous, all the emotions you're discussing, yeah, like, I have all of those. I just don't have a partner to look at and go. I feel adrift with you right now, but all the emotions are out of that mirror. So I can sometimes be feeling down and like, hard, and I don't know which direction I'm going in, and I'm not sure if I'm feeling feeling the love of whatever it is I'm doing. And I think that's just life and that's just humanity, but I don't have someone turn around and go, Yeah, you're not making and go, Yeah, you're not making eggs correctly, you know, like, no point one. So I sometimes you can go, oh, there's a problem, because you're right there and you're not doing this. But because I feel this way, I need to create a context. They talk about that the drugs, you know, like when you've had but there's certain drugs that make you really angry. And so you'll create a context, and you'll make satisfy with someone because you need to, because you're feeling angry. And so you must be angry. With them, and then you have this, right? Have to survive on them, and then you, all of a sudden, you're in the punch up. I think it's a little bit, I think can be a little like that too. You're low by yourself. You've had a bad day, you haven't slept in weeks. Oh, you didn't get the car. You know what I mean? One and I don't do similarly to do with the other person. As I'm not saying it doesn't sit I agree with you, but yeah, yes, yeah. I just think it's no universal than that. Yeah, no, I agree. I agree, but that's slow. I don't know if you want to put like that snowball effect. It's like one thing can lead to another, and if you don't catch it, and you want to catch it like you said, let's go back to the intention. Yes, if you want that snowball to stay a certain size and not fucking turn into a snowman, and then a snow monster, well, you need to help the ice mountain. I agree. I 1,000% agree. Yeah, yeah. And can I tell you that is, you're a shining role model for that, because, honestly, You're so honest, you're open, yeah, you do get onto things straight away. And I think you're genuinely amazing. And I'm so honored by you. Wow, that's really conscious. But in real life, like, this is me telling the story in a 30 minute session. Yeah, this goes over days. Yeah, well, this goes on for days because I don't know, I internalize a lot of things, and sometimes it's not hard. I mean, it's not easy. It's hard for me to be like, I don't like that. You're not coming in the car with me coffee, like it's stupid. It is so stupid. That's what I was trying to say before. Yeah, yeah. It sounds stupid, but it's not, because the little things that matter. You have to go, like, what he's making me feel this way? Yeah, I'm not just going to because I do have intention with my words. I'm not just going to sit there and be like, I feel like this point the finger, yes. Whereas I hold on a second. Why are we feeling like this? Yeah, and I know that sometimes that doesn't happen in and you can explode. I get all that. But from my perspective, this is what I like to do. So it does leave you on a little bit more than, like, a day, yeah, but it does. You need things to go for quicker, properly. You want to feel everything anyway, not talking about the drink. But let's end on a funny story. Okay, so I went to recently with a couple of girlfriends, right? She's so funny, and it's a no whisper, like, it's a whisper zone, oh, I'll be headless at that whisper. I told my girlfriends to go home and give their husbands blowjobs. And let me tell you, in two minutes after I said that, the attendant came over and she's like, oh, excuse me. Just a friendly reminder, this is a whisper zone. We're done. See you next week. Thanks for listening to sex in the one, an original podcast created by KB and B, produced by b and KB, content by KB and B. Enthusiasm for sex B and mostly KB.