Case of the ex

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land. You know these songs you have singer, yeah, the case of the ax.

Oh, okay. We like we like this

when you used to

sing every episode. To know when, how you're gonna act, how you're gonna handle that. You know what you're gonna do if she wants you back. I really think you should become a singer. This is my moment. This is the only time people are getting anything you want. So many good qualities. What are your good qualities? Talk to me. You mean, what are you good at? I don't know. Women should be like, I want to organize an organized person. I'm on a mission for women to be able to just be able to go organizing, politics organizing. Yes, you are. I'm not so good at letting men stay friends. Excuse me, you are not allowed to divert the actual topic yet. I didn't say you could. Okay, so this is the topic of this week. We talked about this last week in relation to this week. In relation to this week, this is actually, I have a friend who I asked, Hey, what questions do you think we should talk about on the pod? And he said, Chris, he said he would like, he would like to talk more about, and like, more information about and like, basically, for people to give more thought to what at what point is it not okay to be friends with an ex? At what point is someone an ex? How do you bring up that you're friends with women who have slept with in the past? At what point is that area murky when you're dating? He didn't say all this, by the way. I'm translating some thoughts to this from my own standing. But you know, when you're dating someone and you're sleeping with other people, how does that all work? So like it all fits into the same category. But before we go down that path, I need to know, as usual, from b What is your official opinion? Do you believe in friends with

benefits? And can you be friends with your ex? No,

look, I have to chew it.

I don't know. It's such a I come from my position. Yes, I think it looks really different. And I don't want to blanket the answer with my answer. It's not really what you're saying is, and I think this is good, is it would depend on, for instance, wouldn't it? For instance, this is what's going on. Would you be okay with that if you were the woman 100% and I think what, where I'm going to come from, is that Anthony had a relationship and then broke up, had other relationships in that time, and in order for us to sort of when we got back together, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know the A to Z, who she was. I never wanted to be put in a situation where potentially one of his friends or, you know, family member, they think, and then I be on the outer and not know what they were referring to. Yes, I know he got up to some shit, yeah. And I wanted to know every detail. So I if we're going to be together, just tell me, like, knowledge is power, isn't it? Yeah, I didn't care what he did. No, but I just didn't want to be in the dark about it and look like a full like a fool on the other side. Yes. And I think from like, knowing that, I wanted to be with people from that point, and the more I knew, the better. Like, if I know everything, there's no sequence, so you can't hide anything. So do you have friends that are men? Does Ann have friends that are women? Yeah, the school mums and the school dads? Yep, I would go and have coffee with the dad. Yes, the mum's not there, okay, and that's fine. And ants will too. Yeah. Okay, so you're so because, I mean, you said it like it's normal, because a lot of, a lot of people I talk to, that represents a, we call it a threat, because people, a lot of people, their main philosophy, I'm saying, since I'm KB now, but say this on KB, but a lot of people have the philosophy that men only have value to women in relation to sex and vice versa. So men are only interested in women if they can have sex with them, if they're friends with them, it's because they want sex with them, it's because they want to have sex with them. They try to have, you know, they're trying to get in their pants. And if a woman friend zones a man, she can be friends. I don't have sex. And they'll say, Yes, that's the theory. Yeah, I'm not saying that's true. If I'm just saying that's the theory, that's what I'm acknowledging. I feel like I'm in a different quite. I feel like it's, I don't know, because you can theoretically having an affair with I'm just saying because you see, men have value other than what they can offer sexually. You see, men have value in society for value in society for lots of other things. That's the issue with a lot of people, is that they don't they see the value you know. Like, you know, like, they say the old adage that a woman is nice to everyone, a guy is nice to people he wants to sleep with. Like, I'm saying all men are like, so like, you're just, you just don't have that filter. You're not interested. It's just not in you. But a lot of people, like their husbands, would be uncomfortable with you hanging out with me, for example, yes, female environment, my other, my friends, gay, yeah. See, I have, I have, here, I have quite a few male friends who I have never slept with, would never sleep with, and they're just friends, and they mean, and I have, I have men who I would be friends with, who I have something, who have just become friends afterwards, like, and I wouldn't necessarily, or maybe I'd say them again. Maybe I would, but that's the interesting thing, right? So if you, if you make on an app, right, for example, and you sleep with them a few times, and then you work out, okay, that's, that's, that's right, of course. And then you keep chatting to them, and then you become their friend, and a few years later, they're just your friend. Yep, have the name, so your friend sat. Early, you hang out with it on occasion. And then you go to date a new woman, and you say to this new woman, hey, like, you know, on a date, whatever, you start hanging out with a woman, and, you know, you sleep with her, and whatever you do. And she says, she says, Oh, you might mention your friend. Might mention sell. That's her name. I forget names. So you mentioned Sally. Hey, Sally. And I, you know, I saw Sally the other day, whatever reason. And the friend goes off, so who's this friend? And then you say, Oh, she's just a friend. And they go, have you slept with her? And then you go, yeah, next week. How long ago was that? So you want to know how long ago. That's what matters, actually. For instance, yep. So how long does it need to be a vote for it to prefer to not be years, needs to be years and two or more. And why? Because then I think that it's over. And like, she's not a threat, right? So why would she be a threat? If she's more relevant in time, she's a threat, get it? No, no. If it was two years or less, it's so close to the time that you think he might sleep with her again. And why would you sleep with her again if he said he's not going to any same you, because it's vagina or vagina, so you don't have trust in him both.

Okay? But that's

the thing. There's so many like, how long have I been with him? The other instances you she just, like, then

you say she's just a friend, like, do you still and ask the questions, and then I think you have to move on. Like, he has come to this relationship, or you come to a relationship with a history. You can't, like, not continue a relationship or not try something out with someone based on what they've done last month? Well, see, this is the this is the question. Because, like, for me coming in, I wouldn't care at all for lots of reasons and but one of them is, I agree someone comes with a whole life full of stuff. Yeah, if you're interested in someone going into a relationship with someone, I am not interested in changing their life and who they can be friends with based on my entering it. So if they're if they're friends with Sally, and they've been friends with Sally for years, that's not our that's not up to me for them to be friends with Sally. And if I don't want them to friends with someone, then I'm not the right for for this guy, because I then I'm saying, you like, I'm putting control parameters on someone from the things that they've done in the past, and I'm but it's my insecurity that we put in that control. It would not be me out of loving, oh, let's just be exclusive to us. That's not me. That's not me, that's enough love. That is control out of fear. By basically saying she's a threat, I think you might at some point pick her over me, you know, which is, goes back to women only being sexual objects and not actually, besides that. And honestly, you can't, yeah, and also, I've got tickets on myself, like I'm awesome. So if I'm dating someone, I can't even imagine someone at this point. Anyway, if I was dating someone, yeah, two years, three years, two years. If I was Yes, two years if I was dating someone. And that was me. I think I'm awesome. And so like, I'm worthy of being of dating, but so different kind of if they are, if they are going to veer over to Sally, who they slept with years ago, then they're showing themselves who they are to me. And then thank you very much. That was lovely saying goodbye. But I don't think everyone's like you that is correct. People don't. Women don't come with tickets on themselves. No, like a little there's some layers of insecurity, yeah, and I think that that presents itself. So when you know the other person is potentially being honest and saying, oh, is my friend, you automatically divert to you better in bed than me. Yeah, it's like, if she's still there, if she was these things, like, she is a potential threat, and then it just causes friction, and I don't know, being a situation, but yeah, thinking so can a quick guy in this situation. What would he be to do? Because he's got these girlfriends who He really thinks they're awesome, like, Well, the thing is that, like, my, my take on it would be, he would need to find a woman that was fine with it, because if he changes his relationship with his friends, then he's like, shrinking, instead of like, as a person who could just show the woman that, like, she's in friendly, hybrid, friendly, like, here you go, yeah, yeah, definitely. But then that's a tactic I've been listening to. It's crazy. What's the tactic like to show the woman that you're something, that you're not, and then all along, that he has been sleeping with her? Yeah? So the woman thinks, oh, behind her back, they have been, well, these things, this is the thing, though, these fears and the real and the reason that people want to control other people is because the fears are real. It can happen, but I guess I'm at the point where I'm, like, if it happened, yeah, I would deal with it. If it happened. I wouldn't, like try and because this is where, you know how, like, when we're always talking about choosing one person over, like, multiple relationship, or anything like that, this is where I think, again, it comes from. It comes from control. If it was a natural thing to do, you wouldn't have to have all the rules about it, right? Because the rules exist so that you can control how the other person acts towards you, and so therefore you feel better about your own insecurities. It's not about like this is naturally all the time, sometimes it's about appeasing the other person's insecurities. And so my goal would be stop having the insecurities so much, which I've had heaps of them over the years, but I've just developed this thing, and I'll just get upset if he sleeps with somebody else, and then I'll get over it. Yeah, I have been upset many times with guys who do that. That has literally happened to me, and

I am upset, and then

you get over it, because they weren't for you, yeah, because if they were for you, I think it's great when a guy has a woman friends, I actually think, well, it says a lot about them. That's what, that's what I was sort of going before, like, if you can move past it, and if a man can hold a relationship slash friendship with the opposite sex, like there's value in that, oh yes, because he obviously, this woman wants to be life and vice versa. You know, he's He's considerate, and he's kind, and there's so many good qualities that I would trust in a woman to judge 1,000% I think, and honestly chip this. Just say, imagine if you're the woman coming in and, you know, this guy's got women friends and. You want to meet with women friends? I think that's going to give you the kick about the guy, not the other way around you. I think you're going to go, I really like her, and that makes me like him more. I don't think that increases his value, not decreases his value. If he hasn't slept with him in the first place. Is that better? But then there's always like, like, why are you friends then? Like, why would you have like, where the connection

come from? Yeah. See, I'm okay with See, this is this?

I get that because sometimes you sleep with people just because you get like, feel like sleeping, not because you like, have any like relationship. Yeah, you know, like, well, sometimes you just want to have sex. And so you like them enough to have sex with them, but you don't want to keep having sex with them like that. So I get that. What about if it's in relation to what I'm hearing now, at this point, what about if it's in relation to an ex? Is that different because you had a full blown relationship with them and now your friends? Is that different? Talk to me. I've said it multiple times, multiple episodes, multiple seasons. I am just not from that. Yeah, it's ended for a reason. And yeah, no, no, I feel, I've told you it's a jealousy thing for me. What are you jealous? We were in a cafe once. I don't know if I share this story. Well, at one of our favorite restaurants, I get to take away, and Anne's ex girlfriend was there, and I hadn't seen her. It was 13 years I've gone by, and I think, I think I actually have said it now I'm saying it again, and the same feelings of black jealousy and all that popped up for me. And I just sat there and said, like you said, with these two girls in one room, he just went around and he got dipples and his dipples, he was like, but he was so embarrassed like me mentioning that, and that was awkward for him, but for

me, I was like, you just you, and

that he keeps trying to say to me, he's like, I'm with you. Yeah, we have children. We're together, but this is why do you still feel the same way? Because I fucking do like you. Like you have, you have every security that there is possible. Well, yeah, because he's he's chosen you in every single way, and every single day the week, and twice on Sundays, he will choose you on Sunday like he chooses you. He chooses you. He chooses you at every single level. You should have absolute tickets on yourself and not care at all theoretically. Well, I did when I had that moment. Yeah, this is so awkward, and obviously I'm not having a go, because you are indicative of and I wonder if men feel the same. I don't know. Don't know. But like, honestly, like, how many times do we need to be shown like, point, like, he couldn't, he can't be more clear. I know. Like, right? Yeah, I'm not, but I'm not having to go because all women are the same, which is why we get ourselves in these situations where it's not okay for them if we want to control other people so that we can make ourselves feel better. And it's fascinating. But in relation to being friends with the next, zero, none, not next zero, none, not, I agree with you and all of the guys I mentioned in my book, that's it, because once they've disrespected you and you've learned the lesson, if you hang around, then you're basically you're improving that behavior. You're dumbing yourself down for more of the same and then you're giving them unconscious permission to continue to treat you like shit. I think if you've ended a relationship, that's amicable, and there was no I don't you hurt me, it was more just like we're just not connected, or we're not the right people for each other. I think that's different. I've seen that in other people's relationships. I can say friends, yeah, there's no like, they've ended it with we were not for each other, like grace and dignity or something. Yep, I think that's different, because I actually think in those scenarios, you probably just stay friends naturally and, you know, whatever. Yeah, yeah. I think it depends on the circumstance and the intention behind why I'm a white person, yes. Like, if you are coming, like, if an around to me tomorrow and said, I want to go meet up with my ex girlfriend, my first question is, but why? Like, why would you need to do that? Yeah, and if there's nothing solid, like, it's not a solid reason, and I can't logically understand it, then the answer is going to be, do what you want. But I do not agree with that. Yes, yes. I was gonna say, what is the answer? I was wondering where you're gonna go with that. No, I like your answer, but your thoughts are no, but you're not gonna tell me no, because you'll do what he wants. But yeah, I agree, but I feel the same as you. I feel like the length of time that is, like, how long did you sleep with it last week? And then just say for their game? Or was it three? That is, yeah, it does finite details, but I but I can tell you, and this happens to me every single time I met a man. There are levels of honesty, and there is always another level of honesty. Women are not being told the truth, just in general. You know that all the time. Do you care? Do I care about, like, past

relationships and like, Have you ever felt little tinges of jealousy

along the way? Yes. Chelsea is in Bucha. Everyone feels jealousy. Yeah. Like, has it been a time that's like, on the forefront of your eye? I feel jealousy the weirdest of times, like the weirdest times,

I will feel jelly. I

might feel jealous they ask someone else for advice, and not me. I don't feel jealous if they sleep with six people, but if they go and tell their deepest secret, someone else and they tell me that I'm like but I wanted to be the one that you told me the secret. Yeah, yeah. So I have had that before, not lately, really,

yeah, it's like, yeah,

but

yeah. Like, I think there's a huge value of men having friendships with women, and I think it's a massive positive. But I also agree that, you know, I say men don't tell you the truth. Sometimes they can't tell you the truth because, like, you just said, Women can't handle it necessarily, and they aren't friends with, you know, seven women, and I've slept with five of them, but we're just all still friends. You know what I mean, obviously. But like that would go down well on the first day. I remember before and I got back together, and I asked the question. I said, Look, if we're gonna do this, I need to know everything. Yeah. And I just remember the look he gave me, like, and the words were something online, like, do you really want to know? Because he knew that some of the things he. Gonna say I wouldn't agree with or I wouldn't be okay with Yeah, and I had to be like, Yeah, I wanted to hear it.

I had to hear it, and then you had to

be okay with it, yeah. That was Yeah. That was the issue. You went with me. It was had nothing to do with me, yes. And I could, like, compartmentalize that. And I think that that's what you should bring to a new relationship. This is the thing, because that's that you've just hit another nail there. Like women think it reflects on them that what the man's doing. So he's like, so just say, like, just say, I'm meeting a new guy. And I say to you, I really like this guy, but he's got a girlfriend. He's friends with his ex. Let's make up something that's not true. Some guy's friends with the ex, and I want to date that guy. It's your opinion that I'm scared of, not scared of, but like, as in, yours is thinking of a shit, what you do, but your opinion that matters is what I'm saying. Like, as in, as in, like, I could reconcile that with him, whatever I can't imagine. But like, your opinion would be mad. So like, you would care what, like other people think, I've got an answer. Do you know what I mean? Like, from what you think, it's what other people would think. Like, that's why we we want, we want to control other people's behavior, because it reflects on you, how their behavior reflects on you. Does that make sense? It does. But like, he wasn't my responsibility at that time, so I can't control anything stupid. Have you told people that what he's done? Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyway. I was gonna say, I was gonna add to that, like, in relation, sound like a bloody Yeah, I don't know what I was gonna

say. I was saying that all men,

basically said all men live, and I didn't. I don't mean that as a thing. As a theme. I want to clarify that, because I think women do too, because it's similar to the situation whereby, when my kids were little and I didn't know when to bring up that all of them were autistic. So, like, you don't hide that, but you don't necessarily say, Oh yeah, by the way, you know, yeah. Someone came into the smoothie by yesterday and said to me, we talked about other things, and she was talking about her kids, and she has like, three kids to three different fathers, and that's how she introduced it. I've never met her before, and I remember saying to somebody else, that's a really interesting statement to make, first up when you first meet that it's like me saying, Hi, I'm Katie. I've slept with a lot of people. Like, it's true, but at what point is that relevant to the conversation? And I think dating goes in here. So I need to, like, give guys the benefit of the doubt in this relation, in relation to this as well. You can't you don't want to bring all your cards on the first day, because that's ridiculous. Everyone's pitch perfect movie. Why does she do that? Rebel Wilson, yeah, the movie, yeah. And her name's Patricia, yeah, the movie. But she introduces herself. This is before she went away, lost journey. Yes. Fat Amy, she's like, because if you're not gonna say it, you're gonna think it, so I'm just gonna call myself. Fat Amy, well, there you go. So, like, I'm owning it. Like, yeah, I'm afraid. And I've got three dads, like, so before we find out from some out from someone else, yeah, here it is. I wasn't gonna find out from anyone else, but, yeah, but I know what you mean. Like, I didn't take offense to it. Like, I didn't judge people would judge her. I just thought, yeah, I get it. Like, I get it in this perspective from men that they like, at what point do you say? So I'm saying all men hide stuff. But also, I think the opportunity, and they ask the question half the time. I mean, I question, I don't know. Figure that out by now, but I want to fucking know. Want to fucking know. Yeah, but ask the questions. If you don't ask you will never know myself into trouble. Yeah? But then I've also filter faster. Fine. You can go, no, no, yes, yes, I know. And like, I was telling someone a story this the other day, the other day because I asked the questions. That's how I've and I've had just sort of like, deliberately pull myself away from dating sometimes, because I ask the questions, and I know how disgusting something can be, that seem perfectly fine. And I was telling the story, talking the other day about how I slept with a guy, this was probably four years ago, or something like that. Me telling all my sex stories again. I've done this for a while, and we had sex maybe three times in the third or fourth time, or whatever, just a casual thing. And we had sex, and we were lying there, probably still naked, I would say. I said, Tim, what are you doing tonight? I must have been doing something else. I was in Megan for something, and I something else. I was in Melbourne for something. I must have been probably going out with you, I don't know. And I said, What do you do later? And he goes, Oh, well, this is casual, so I guess I'll tell you the truth. And I said, Oh, what? He goes, Oh, well, I've got a whole day plans. And I said, Oh, yeah. And he said, Yeah, I've got a picnic rug and I've got a picnic blanket and some champagne, a tutor, tutoring board and like, full of all that, full of all that you love me And I'm going to take you to the river. You

two hours earlier, hopefully he showered, and hey, she going on a date with him under the premise, and people say they're not exclusive, and whatever, all that sort of stuff, like when you first start, if you've had a first date, of course, you're not exclusive. But is that girl thinking he has slept with some he has slept with someone two hours earlier? Like, is she really thinking that? And also, why is her like, Why is her the answer to her value? No sex. She doesn't get any sex because she's got more value. She might want the fucking sex, you idiot. Like, she is the one you want to marry. She's the one you want to fuck because you want to marry the person you're fucked because you want the person you marry to be a good I don't I don't forget, a woman doesn't get the sex. Should I want the sex like that? Like they're withholding something that we like, they value us more. I don't get it. I hope you didn't marry him. I.

We should do an

episode. Where are they? Messaged me on Snapchat?

Oh, there you go. But yeah, anyway, anyway,

I loved that episode. Look at us by KB and B, produced by b and KB. Content by KB and B, enthusiasm for sex B and mostly KB, you.