INITIAL ATTRACTION

Transcript - Initial Attraction 

Welcome to Sex and the one the podcast with Bea and KV getting down and dirty about all things, love, life, sex, dating and relationships, happy Tuesday and very exciting. We haven't done one of these in a few weeks. Give me the question, babe, we are doing podcast question of the week, which I do ask. Most weeks, I actually forgot one of the weeks, but most weeks I ask the question, and sometimes they've made it to the pod, and sometimes they're still in the boiling pot, waiting to get seen on the pot at some point. That's okay, but this one is actually a recent one, and I really liked some of the answers in in that they made me think about things a lot. And again, what we discussed last week, I think that they relate to the apps really well. So yes, and like in my thoughts about my current thoughts about the apps and their purpose and how they can work for people. So the question of the week was, drum roll, please, what initially attracts you to a person? Now such a big question it is, and I deliberately kept it open so that people could say I wasn't necessarily saying a partner, although most people do assume that that was what I was inferring. And I didn't necessarily, I didn't say physical feature, or I didn't, I didn't infer physicality, because I wanted to see what people actually said, like what they took from the question of their mind. So what was your answer, my dear, I wrote it in here. Oh, well, I think that you respond with my answer. I actually think that you can answer this in so many different ways. It's, like, such a broad question. If I, like, was speaking about lots of I'm attracted to men and women. Like, I think women gorgeous. I think men and like, you know, in different ways. If I look at like, you know, with Ant, for example, I was attracted to his looks initially, um, then pre, like, partners in between the original OG ant, and I, like, the first guy was definitely personality, like I knew him. Yep, it was how he looks. How long did you know him before you found him attractive? Well, I had known him as a friend since year seven. Yeah, we started dating year 12, yes, but I think I liked, what I liked about him was the conversation that we could have after I broken up with him, like he saw me, for me, and I think I felt like he was hearing what I was saying. Yes, I liked that. And I looked past, you know, some of the things that I wouldn't have looked past. And that didn't last very long, but it lasted 10 months, right? But you were initially attracted to his ability to listen to you, yeah, right. And generally, that's not normally the case for you. Well, I don't know any other like, the next instance was initial, like, physicality, chemistry, connection, like it was what it looked like. And then that turns to you anyway. So I don't know what's right or wrong well. And the thing is, does it have to be right or wrong? I can find someone attractive and I don't want to do anything. Yeah, that's right. It could also be an energy I find a lot of people attractive that I have no interest in, yeah. Well, they're just being my top three, you know. Yeah. So let me tell you this. This is what you told me when I when I sent the question out, you wrote, I guess it's looks, and then you did the emoji, shrug emoji, and then you said the personality is right up there with capital, right? If you're a dick, you're a dick. Well, that's true too. Yeah, it's very unattractive, very unattractive to be dick. You could be like a fucking specimen, yeah? But if you underneath are a horrible human. Yes, horrible human, yes. Past that, no, no. Now, so no, no, my answer, no, no. Love it. I'm just thinking like I was gonna say my answer, because people asked me yesterday, what was my answer, and my original, like, G rated, not G rated, but like, you know, off the cuff, the first answer was vibe. What I'm initially attracted to, it's a vibe. It's an energy, yeah. And then somebody came in during the day who is a new friend now, because I really liked her, she was, like, really like her. She was really full of energy and fun. She said, she expanded on what I had said, and said, emotional attunement, attunement. Yeah, so, like, you know, like, how we love emotional intelligence, yes, emotional achievement is an emotionally intelligent person that's attuned to your level of emotional intelligence, you know? So they're, like, your level, like, they're you in another form. You're talking to yourself, yeah, yes, which is true. I think people are attracted to them. Stuff as you know, I'm demurrers and stuff like, we are attracted to the best version of ourselves in someone else. Oh, I like that about them, yes, but that's something you probably like about access to. Yeah. Good point, yeah. So I thought I went straight my favorite answer. But should we read some of these answers? And you can tell me what you think, because I know you do like having passing judgment over people's answers. Oh, come on, Judge. Judy, yeah, so we had smile, yep, teeth. Talk to me about teeth. What's your opinion on teeth? Oh, the looks person, I just said that, yeah, some other looks teeth is health and in your 50s, you know, like, if you've got these, like, you know, gaps or loose teeth, like, deep teeth fixed, yeah. And if there's teeth missing, if you have lots of glass on your teeth, if you if you don't take care of your teeth. It matters even to the people like me who don't really overly care about physicality. You do not want to be kissing a face with gross teeth. Stop it. You don't. You want to get to that. Let's be real sorry like that. And for me, it's the fingernails. If they've got dirt and like grime under their fingernails, I'm like, do you want to put that inside a vagina? Because you're not

gonna. I literally think of that, oh, Lord, do you know?

Did you know that the speakers get their nails done a certain way? Yeah, of course, the two Yeah, I tracked one of my kids. Did it. They got their nails done, but it was just for the fun of the nails not to actually do Yeah. Okay, cool, as you do

anyway, and hands, wash your fucking heads.

Anyway, that's all I'll say on that. So so someone said their eyes. So many people said their eyes. People are really green eyes. So funny is people compliment me on my eyes, right? But they don't really like my eyes. They like my fake eye. No, like, it's not my actual eyes. No. So

okay, I haven't seen you without eyelashes for a very long time. Yeah,

for five years right now? Yeah, no, but it they bring out your eyes. So I already have the eyes. You have the color eyes, so it's the color of the eyes. I'm not an eye person. Don't understand the lash extension accentuates the color of the eyes. So I'm an eye tip person, like I have tick eyes, tick, tick. I don't understand it, but okay, I'll take it. You're not an eye person. Clearly, not. I'm not not an eye person, but I wouldn't say I'm my person. So I saw a guy with green eyes and, well, we went to a museum of desire. Yeah, he likes green eyes too. Yeah. It didn't matter like, what the rest of like? Oh, my God. Well, you know what I feel about that? You know my favorite is what rain is. Oh yeah, every time she shows me a picture of someone that she's whatever with, I'm like, I don't have anything against writers. I'm just just not my baby. I really, really, really like red hair. So, yeah, that's my thing. Before the over eyes. Okay, so we got another smile, personality, love a smart brain. So my little theory with doing this was, I thought a lot of women would say non visible features. And the first few questions, I was like, oh, maybe that doesn't have physical features. Then we stuck to your personality a lot looks, I don't know, I beg to differ. I mean, that's what I mean. You need to know the person. If you're on an app, you can't go, Oh, I'm gonna read through your little bio here and go, Oh, his personality is amazing. That personality is amazing. Fucking. Oh, that's exactly, exactly. Which is why? Again, which is why this, this this whole thing, flows on from the apps perfectly for me, because I realized from this question that I'm not overly a physical person. I'm not saying I'm not a physical person, but I mean, as in books, but I'm much more interested in bio, emotional intelligence, so many other problems. Yeah, I would say we covered up. You covered in personality. You cannot tell that from the apps, which is why I care about the photos, because that's the one way you can show your personality, is how interesting you are, is what kind of photos you take and not like of yourself, of things you do. And I said that shows you personality, but it's very hard to show personality into that. And if that's the thing that you're initially attracted to, how are you supposed to then swap and you may not like that person the first time you meet them. And this definitely happens to me with women who I have been become really close with. I didn't love them on the first time I met them, and I didn't know I didn't meet them and go, What are you looking for? So be, what are you looking for? And we went on our first walk that we went on at that retreat. Me said, you want to go for a walk, and we went for a walk. Did you go? So don't be best friends to everyone's time. No, you don't. But with men and women, it's like, what are you looking for? What do you want? Like, let's swap you into a category, and that's what the apps make. You become true and really organic. Meeting of people is going to bring out the things that you actually find initially attractive anyway. And then, if you didn't find them initially attractive, maybe you will find them attractive based on other character of characteristics, because you get to know them, which you wouldn't do in an app because you didn't find them initially attractive. Percent. You know what I mean? Lean there because someone might have the greenest, beautiful eyes, but they're a dick, right? Or they might have average eyes. I don't know what average eyes are, but they might have average eyes and be a beautiful, beautiful soul. But this is why I when we go back to the apps and like, you know what people are looking for, you can't have a list, because that list is just not 100% going to be met. Yeah? And if you're clinging on to the list, you're just gonna miss the goodness. Yeah. Well, I think it really is. So someone else has written I think external looks as vain as it sounds, is always the first point of attraction I get that. Like, it has to, that's the first thing you see, yeah? Well, I mean, yeah. And I would agree with that too. Like, it's just, it's Yeah, yeah. And if you like what you see, then it gets you up and you don't like, like what you see, supermodel. So they accept it, like, I've always been famous for years, put on clean shirt. It's simple, wash your hands. And you know what I mean, like, couple things. Anyways, she's written, I can be turned off a person instantly, if their personality is shoot the ick, yep. And then she says something that I thought, yes. I could also say, tattoos, turn Oh, I attracted Yes, yes, yes, yeah. So this person had said that the guy she ended up marrying had the tattoos that she likes. Not she didn't marry him because of the time, but she initially was attracted by the tattoos. And I agree with that. I will agree with that, yeah, because a guy can have a very average looking everything else, and he's got really good set of tattoos. Yeah, that's like eyes for me. I'm like, okay, there you go. You do everything besides the red hair, smile, personality, their cologne, their voice, sometimes, their accent, and the way they're dressed. I mean, someone else said tattoos and, oh yeah, it's not like an accent, yeah, go back to the Cologne. Like, if it's a wrong cologne, I'm a smell person, like, I'll smell something if I if it doesn't smell good, I won't eat like it doesn't smell good, I don't drink it. The plate smell good, you won't eat it. So I had a candle once that I had at the smoothie bar, and it's called 50 Shades of Gray, I think, right? It smelled like brute 33 Oh, my God. I had to give it away. It was disgusting. It reminded me of all the men in the 80s. Yeah, the green bottle, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's quite isn't it? Peter, Peter, green or blue. Anyway, moving on, insensitivity and intellect, dark men from other countries, eg, Asia, that's very specific. Okay, more tattoos, energy, personality. If they've got me in one second, they've got me for life. One second is not a long time. So someone has more smile and eyes. And then we finally got one that I thought was more honest with from some men. And someone said boobs was from a man. Yep, yep. Thank you. Yeah. Well, it's very honest to be honest. I think it's honest To be honest, personality, again, demeanor, positive attitude. Just say positive demeanor. Yeah. The deep look the minute I walk up to them and see them, no, sorry. The deep look the minute I walk up to them. If I see deep I know, so they walk up, and if they feel that you're a deep, you know, deep thinker as well. They'll know and they're into I just don't think that that is something that you can tell initially. Like, I don't know. For me, maybe I need to vet the person a little bit more, because I'm so skeptical. I don't know. But from your experience as well, from all of you said, and then all the other little stories I hear, if I was put in the dating world and I had to know and answer this question, I would have a fucking process for vetting, because it's not you're like, my size, you're fine, okay, what else like, you know? Yeah, you look into your eyes. I can see yourself. Yep, you go over there, like you got a tattoo. Okay? I can't it was one thing not really related to the other as much. Is it like one of them is very good. So kind heart, eyes and smile, eyes and smile, smile again. How at ease they make me feel. So someone said, If I'm Tinder shopping, you know what says in Tinder shopping, Tinder shopping. And she has ridiculous eyes, it's a yes for me. I don't need to see the rest. We'll deal with that if we match. So it's like a figure it out later sort of thing. Yeah, someone said I always think of what I didn't have in the previous person. Yeah? So smart, yeah. I thought that was very smart, very smart. And I've got so like, if I go through all the pages, no, I haven't. I've, haven't gone through the first page, cheapest one. I just skip all over the shop. Here, somebody likes people who don't care what others think. That's their initial attraction. But you don't know that often, initial attraction, no, not necessarily. Someone said the five senses, like, as in, like smell, see, the smell and the sound, check and their voice matters. Because I think it does. Yes, yeah, yes, it does. Did I tell you that I went John here at the story? This is a transactional sex story from back in 2011 story from back in 2011 again, while last week, I went to a guy's house transactional sex and met him, did a couple of things with him, did not have sex. He spoke, and I was put off immediately by his voice. He sounded No, he's kind of softly spoken, and I don't know, he just wasn't assured and confident. And, you know, like he kind of sounded like wussy. I don't even know if I never had, wouldn't even know how to like describe it. But I remember going, Oh, I've got a massive Ick. I was supposed to spend the night of his house because I think it must have been far away, whatever. And, um, no, I didn't have

sex with him visit his voice. Yeah, that's

discriminatory. Yes, I was put off by his voice. How did you leave? So sorry. I don't like your voice. I think I might have, I don't think I'd have lied. Look at me. Go. Think I might use my kids and just an excuse. Hey, being true to yourself. I didn't, I just didn't want to. Yeah, that was his voice. And I still remember, I remember, I don't remember the full details of it, but I remember going, No, I can't even do this. Like we could have been guessing they would never listen. Oh, what do you think? There was a glory hole in there, though. Also. Anyway, someone said they are warm, smile, friendly, but not negative or sulking, the way they act, the way they treat you. All with personality, yes, to charisma. Personality in their innuendo, sense of humor, you know, what? With the charisma thing? Yeah, sometimes it's a bit of a red flag as well. Oh yes. Like, if they're over the top and they're like, you know, ruling the, you know, like running the room sort of thing, in one way, I get it, it can be very attractive, and the charismatic, you know, the personality, like, I'm sort of into this guy, but then that just shows me a lot of other things. Like, what are you really like when no one's around? 1,000% agree with you. 1,000% agree with you. I had a recent experience with that, and I didn't end up meeting the guy, and he messaged me at one point and said he'd messaged me a couple of messages and then deleted them. And then he said to me, I'm concerned that you're going to say you're going to talk about me on your podcast. Hello, I am talking about my podcast, but I'm not saying that. He tells it is that he thinks I would, but he is absolutely full of this charisma, and he would assume, I assume, that he would normally control the situation when he meets a woman like he would normally have a situation whereby the woman is just does whatever he wants, and I wasn't a woman who's gonna do what he wants. And I think he found that very intriguing, but how he normally would act towards a woman he can't, because I might talk about him on the podcast, and he literally said that, and I'm not going to say the details of the things he said, because I don't, actually, I don't do that, but I, but I'm happy to talk about him in, you know, sort of like these types of terms, because he is the type of guy who would, who would treat people not well and get away with it, because he's got the personality to do so. And I think he suspected that he wouldn't with me, and also I might talk about it, yeah, interesting that you caught it before I got any further, that most women wouldn't see that, and they'd be so attracted to the personality. And he was very charming, and that's the issue, like it turns into manipulation. Totally charming, yeah, sorry, yeah. Really inappropriate questions that were none of his business, and lots of other stuff. And, and, yeah, and deliberately said you would talk about me, and that's the only reason that he didn't treat me bully, I think. Yeah, okay, yeah. Anyway, moving on. So them liking me. Someone said, so they like to if you like them, how they smell again, kindness, the energy that I feel vibrating from them, the way a woman eats a messy burger. It's hot. You're up watching Mary. Mary King, that's not how. That's what I eat. Burger. Yes, it is. Of bushes, he Mary? Mary King, no, yes, of the bushes. He love Bucha, Bara, gay, your life must be right now, Lucky. You really love me. You love my personality. And let's go back to this, right? So if you're seeing someone eat a messy burger and you're in public, and you're not on the apps, because you didn't meet them on the apps, and you see someone eating a messy burger in public, and that is something that you're really into, oh god. How cool is that to have experienced that in real life, and that to be your initial thing, because the people, like the vast majority of people, on this thing, besides the eye people, hello, I people. I know you're everywhere. The personality people, they're not going to get that off the way the regular people date these days, and they're not going to get that because you don't know someone's personality from the apps, and you don't realize if they're a good personality mattress, you better them a few times in life. And that's why I made the decision to stop, stop all this crap like, because it's not, it's not serving me as a human who wants to meet other humans who actually have a personality. Yeah? And, you know, you might, it might take me four or five times for me to go before I start off. Yeah, right, you know? Like, well, there's lots of factor in, I mean, there's initial stuff, right? This, we discuss all the initial stuff. What's the stuff that matters when you soon as you get past the digital stuff, like, what so if he you like the green eyes, and what else do you like? What did I say? Initially, there was something about, um, yep, answers and green eyes, hazel eyes. But for me, initially, it was looks with him, and then it's a person, like, it's the way that I'm treated. I think I say something as in, like, I like to be listened to, yeah, yeah. Like to be heard, yes. So see, and that was one of my exes. That's what I'm saying. Yes, everything that I've I've sorted through, sorted through any couple of people. They've had this so, but your initial attraction is, so your initial attraction is one thing, yeah, and then what? Then like, what? What keeps you with someone or makes you go out with someone, is something entirely different anyway, isn't it? General, it's almost like a bonus if they look good, yeah, because I might go, I might go nice tattoos, but he has to back that up with personality. Yeah, I think it's a bonus if you, if you get the looks and the personality, yeah, and the looks are subjective anyway, yeah, well, that's right, what I like you don't like, you don't like, and I've seen some guys you like. Do you mean who do I like? I've seen who? Oh, on the team, on the apps, yeah, like when I swipe for you, yeah. What do you mean I work? It's just looking at the pictures. I don't look at all these things I don't know. To look at the background when they're standing and what that means. And you haven't given as much thought as me. I don't give much. I don't give things thought. I just do it. And then I'm like, fuck. What have I done afterwards? Tell me this so you you find someone initially attractive, and then you might, I don't know, see them again and you don't find that attractive. What would you what would be the deal breaker? Like, what's out for you? Just disrespect in general, disrespect. Yeah, I like, there's something that grinds my gears about or I'm like, I'm straight, so I'm gonna stay like a guy I don't if they don't respect, like, what I like, if there's no connection, and then there's that added layer of like, I don't know, disrespect. I just can't Yuck, just yuck. I just wanna be valued as a human, yep, and as a woman. And I wanna be listened to and heard, and I'm happy to do the same, as long as that's that flow is going and I get that in return. Yeah, you know what I want? I want someone to match my energy. That's gonna be really hard to do, though. And this was not a compliment when the guy said to me, but I took this one. He already said to me one day. He wasn't getting his insider, but he was just saying to me, I said to him, let's not match my energy. He goes to me, heavy. You know guys. How many guys do you think would be on your level? And I go, What do you mean? I go, there's plenty good people out there. I believe in good people. Out there. I believe in good people. I don't think I'm not tainted, which is why I can get tainted. I make sure I pull myself out of the taintedness. I don't want to have this man hating thing scenario going on. And I said, What do you mean? And he said, Listen, you've raised four neurodivergent children by yourself. You have a house, you have a business that you started from scratch. You have written two books and published them, and both of them were very, incredibly vulnerably written. You would have had to go through the experiences that you would have had to like, analyze the experiences, then you had to write them down, and then you want to show them to everybody, and you're presenting this to the world, and then you've got a podcast. And who are you meeting? That's what he said to me, who do you think you're meeting? I didn't realize and like and like, and I was like, well, there's somebody else. Maybe you do need to go on sugar day. When he said it like he wasn't meaning it as an insult. But he achieved a lot, but like, I get that's what he meant. He meant that. He meant, what is a man bringing to the table for you? And the thing is, and again, I think even Chloe said this when we interviewed her. Women like me are looking for a man to add value to her life. We're not wanting them to come wanting them to come and fix anything, to come and there's no holes for them to fill. The gaps of there's not we want, um, companionship and someone that's fun to be around. There's nothing wrong with that. I want to come to watch a movie with you. Yeah, we want to go without your kids like, I want to go to the theater show, you know, like someone to hang out with and they what he was saying, and he's right. A lot of men feel like in a relationship, they need to come to sustainably, saying, yeah, they need to bring something that you're lacking, that they can offer. Because, and I would imagine, and guys chime in and tell me, if this is true, they would feel insecure if you they're not needed, because if they're not needed, then they have to continue to be valuable to stay and so you don't like, for example, if and this wrong person, because he's completely like, he would be someone who is completely equal to you, like he said, equal to you, like, etc, has value etc, right? But you need him because you've got three kids together, and so he's already got that. He's got you need him. But if I'm introducing a new man into my life, now, I don't need the man in that regard. So, like, that's so ants already got the need think tick, and then he can just add value as well, because you need that as well, yeah. But he's already got the thing ticked that men need ticked because, I mean, you could raise this on your own, but you don't want to. And, like, he'll always be their dad, so he's always got that, like, yeah. So I think there's a lot of men that need to be, have to be needed, because they want that security that you'll never leave them and, and I don't want to offer that security that you'll never leave them, because then they get comfortable, and then they get like, lazy, and then they get like, they don't want to, like, have a date night. You know what? I mean, yeah, because they don't, you don't have to, like, what are you gonna do? Leave them? Yeah, I would, you would, which is why that person is saying, yeah, it's coming to you. Gaming, yeah, yeah. Who's coming for me? Metro, curveball. Curve me. So I spent some time with some friends recently who are in the same sex relationship, and I think that they would answer this question very differently talk to me. So what I witnessed, and what I'm hearing from her, is that lesbian women, like, they're very touchy feely, and they go from like, zero to 1000 very quickly, right? There's lots of memes on that, about on Tiktok, about, like, having first dates for 36 hours and stuff like that, yeah.

And it makes so much sense, because when you connect female to female, yeah, like, you just there's a deeper level of connection. And, like, you get each other quickly, yes. And there's also a meme about it, you know, the U haul story, no. Like, you know, they're dating for a couple of days, and then the next minute, there's a U haul at their house. We're collecting their belongings, and they're moving in together because it moves so much faster, good, u haul storage truck or whatever. Yeah, I just, I was, like, I'm fascinated. Like, it's, I reckon they'll answer it completely differently, yeah. What do you think they would say? Well, I think they would say? Well, I think it's a physical thing, but I actually think they go energy over, like, books, yes, because, yeah, I don't think it's everyone, but yeah, like, yeah. But then I don't know, they just move. I just facilitated by that, and the touchy feelyness is, like, next level, yeah, yeah. Like, it's very, very it's emotional, yeah, well above. But I think from like a heterosexual, heterosexual perspective, the emotional stuff comes later. Yes, okay, do you get to men? Yeah. So that's why it moves so much faster, because men don't express their emotions traditionally as much. Yeah, yeah. You go deeper faster with a woman. Well, Ben, Ben, men, you can answer this about relation to vulnerability, that they find vulnerability much harder, I would think, which is, again, why, for me, like, vulnerable with someone you trust. You want to trust someone who's never gonna leave you. So therefore you want them to need you in some way, because then they'll never leave you, and then you can be vulnerable. So that takes time and effort and whatever. And yeah, someone like me doesn't often need someone who's prepared to be vulnerable for that reason, because with nothing necessary, yeah, it might not work out. Which is what I do. I'm vulnerable. I'm always vulnerable. Remain open, and it has been open for years. It does not get closed from every interaction that I have. But I can imagine that men have their heart closed, yeah, to say, Yeah. And what you're saying is, in same sex relationships, two hearts are open, yeah. I mean, we're being generalistic here, but that's like, yeah, that's what I'm understanding. Yeah. Fascinating. And what's the initial attraction there? I wish I was into it. See, the thing is, like the girls, I know that have, I mean, lesbians or BI whatever, because they have had men in the past, they have literally fallen in love with the person, yes, like they're not looking at the person of you,

and you just happen to be a

woman, yes, yeah, apples are I actually think we would all I've had this theory going for a long time now that I think if society wasn't set up the way it is, I think we would all have much more blurred boundaries over who we would find sexually attractive if we were raised that we could pick whichever sex at any time. I think we all would have had a go at the other way, and I think we all could end up in different sorts of relationships, but we've just been programmed so much. Yeah, yeah. Do any other stories? Look, I've got so many stories. I've got so many stories, but let's do that. Let's do that next week. Okay? Because I want to, we want to talk about, I want to talk about this further in relation to friends after relationships. Where does that go? Are you friends with exes? No. The end. Bucha, thanks for listening to sex and the one, an original podcast created by KB and B, produced by KB And B, enthusiasm for sex B and Mostly KB You b