Bee, Hi, I'm KB and I'm Bea, and we are so grateful to have you listening to our podcast. Please don't forget to hit the subscribe or the follow along button so you never miss an episode. It really means the world to us. Thanks for listening. Welcome to Sex and the one the podcast with B and KB, getting down and dirty about all things, love, life, sex, dating and relationships. Sex, dating and relationships. I was like, he's meant to be in love. That's what was actually going to be, right? We don't get love. No, you know, we haven't got love in the start. No, if we do not, well, is it about love? It is about life, love and gratitude, center of the love, gratitude and joy, center of our universe, which a lot of people talk about. Celebrating joy at this time of year, Joy to the world. I was gonna say I love Mariah Carey's album at this time of year, it's my fave. Yeah? That joy to the world song, you know, for the like, sure, yeah. Okay, the Gospel Church, yeah, yeah. Anyway, you will listen to that. Yeah, it's not my thing. Merry Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. And because that's more inclusive, that's true, yeah? Happy holidays. However you celebrate. I've been happy holidays for like, a while here, yeah? Holidays, yes, yes. What do we want to talk about in relation to Christmas? Christmas? What's Christmas mean to you? It is a time where the family come together. I don't have a large, large large family, but it is very difficult to get everyone at the same time on the same day. I feel like you do have a large No, I actually don't. I don't. Like immediate is like 35 people. That's yours is bigger than mine? No, yes, it is. You keep saying, No, it is. There's about 30 people. No, like, I'm Italian. I should have like, 1000s of people. I think, well, I've cut a lot off. Talk to me about that. Yeah, there's just certain family members so on inside my side. So that's like, gone even smaller. So I'm not used to five. Okay, so let's not compare it to each other. Let's compare it to most people. Most people think there's a lot of people, yeah, I know. But for me, I'm just saying it's not so, yeah, I think for like that, that's that, that aspect, and then there's the religious aspect. And we're Catholic, and we, you know, like, it's all about, you know, the birth of Jesus, and that the stories that lead up to that. And, you know, the kids talk about them at school, and we talk about them as well. It's about a gift, like, the gift, what is the gift? And the gifts are joy, gratitude, wisdom, presence, literally, like, it's just a time for me personally, where you can stop for a second, yeah, stop for a second, be with the people that you love and cherish the moment, and then Happy Holidays. Yeah, yeah. I understand and appreciate your view, and I agree with it to an extent. And also I was forced, I think, to expand my knowledge and beliefs about that years ago in relation to the religion, yeah, but more so in relation to Stopping, stopping to appreciate what you have. Because this happened, like, randomly, weirdly years ago, when I realized that when my kids went to school during the week, that was when I would relax cool, six hours of like, Yeah, this isn't happening. Oh, great. I can get get on top of my washing. I can feel my brain full of, like, things that, you know, that I'm interested in. I can read my books. I can do what. I can do something for me. And on the weekends, it was game on it was like, which fights gonna happen next? Who's remembering to spend time in, you know, like, it was hard. And so everyone was look forward to the weekends. I'll wait on the weekend. I mean, I'm doing nothing, and stay at home, yeah, leave the house with my children. I literally didn't leave the house with my children all together, because it was too hard. And so I realized, Oh well, I prefer the week. And then the holidays were kind of similar, like Christmas was just stressful. I cried every year, for years because my kids hated it. They didn't want to be around all the other people. They didn't like the decorations in the house. They pulled them down and ripped things up. And it was just it was not a joyous time. And I had to either cry or decide that the joy doesn't have to be allocated to days. Yeah, you know what I mean. So then I decided, when something happened, and one of my kids had a milestone that felt like Christmas, and so I made that Christmas, and so I like the idea of Christmas, but does it have to be on Christmas Day? No, it doesn't, yeah. And I get it. But for the people that it's not joyous for, I tell my story, and I tell it every year to give them permission to have their joy whenever they whenever suits them, yeah. And I acknowledge that I have a very privileged view of the holidays and Christmas time. And I think just touching on, like, the holidays are a really tricky time for some like you mentioned, like, the vulnerable. There's vulnerable families out there, like, there's kids that probably go to school to feel safe and now they're going to be home for six weeks. Like, it's a very risky time. So I also want to acknowledge that off the back of our sharing Yeah, experiences, yeah. And thank you, because there's people in relationships that are in unhappy relationships, that Christmas just reminds them, yeah, if they're not joy, yeah, you know. And people are always talking about, this is great, and that's great, and whatever, which I'm sure it is, but like, let's be real, yeah, about what really is great and what is predicting greatness. I'm supposed to feel this way. You can feel Yes, and it's okay to feel however you want to feel Yes, but I want to talk more about like you were talking and you kind of inverted about it earlier today. The gift of time, because to me, now that I'm getting older, time is my get my biggest so people can give me things, and I love some things, I like things, but if someone gives me their time, yeah, I very much value. So obviously, I'm a quality time person. I receive love and quality time, but it's also priority. Someone gives me their priority. I'm like, That person loves me. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and, like, I was discussing this, I'm sure, on previous podcast, how I can call you and you've got two minutes to spare because you're going, you're driving from here to there, because you've got like, a million things you're doing. And you will pick up million things you're doing, and you will pick up the phone when I call you, and I feel special in those two minutes because you don't let the phone ring. Do you know what I mean? I don't have my phone on loud, so when I'm in the car and it rings, I will answer it. If I'm not in the car, my phone's on silent. It's on silent for a reason, because I need to screen so you do prioritize my fucking self? Yeah, that do I have to prioritize? Because in and amongst the whirlwind of my life, with who's where, whose logistics work, blah, blah, blah shifts, did it, I need to make sure that in those little two minutes of time that I have, I'm choosing what I want to be doing, what brings me joy, what's going to be, you know, the right thing in that moment for my energy to accept. Because if it's not the right thing, I need to make sure I'm calling you back at a time that I can be the person I need to be to have that conversation. So for example, Shall I read between the lines there? Because I'm saying you don't even have to be in a good mood to answer me, because I don't care. I don't know if I don't answer your call, it's because I physically can't answer your call. Yeah, because I don't have to be anyone else. But no, you can just be Yes, thank you. In a bad mood. Oh, hi. I'm in a bad mood, you know? Like, yeah, look, it's not having to tell you, and you'll do your thing, and I'll do my thing. I just like, I'm just like, I'm just not feeling it today, and always, I'll say that to you, whereas I feel like, for other people, I not. It's just the way it is. It's not it's not like you are where you are on your journey, and I am where I am on my journey, and time is very precious. Yeah, me. And if you look at my calendar and my diary, there are dots everywhere. And I don't intentionally not want to see people, but at the same time, it's a conscious choice that I have to make, to make sure that I'm allocating the right time to what needs to be there, and to just make sure that I'm not overstepping, and I'm not putting myself in a situation where I know I'm going to crash, and that crash is going to last however long, and I'm not gonna be able to come up out of it like my mental health and my well being a first priority. Yeah, and look, I can sort of like, agree with you and expand on that. I don't spend time people to drain my energy, so I don't want don't want to, and I just don't. So, you know, like, I don't have to, like, allocate people in that I don't want to, and I just don't. I'm trying harder not to do that. But I think my mechanism for maybe, I don't want to say the word avoidance, but it's like, Look, these are my dates. If you're available, if you're available on these dates, then great. If not, then sorry. It's not gonna happen. Like, yeah. And if it doesn't happen, don't be offended. It's just what it is, right now. Well, the thing is, they can be whatever they can be offended if they want to be offended, and if that offends them, then you're not alignment, correct. But so see, like you understand that, then how do you think go to the person on the other line, like, look, it's just not gonna happen. I'm really sorry. We just need an alignment at the moment, like they must think I'm a fucking Fruit Loop. Yes, possibly, because I know that that's the reality. A lot of people think I am a fruit loop. And I'm okay with that. Sorry. We're not alignment right now. I would never say we're not alone right now, because that's the thing to say. But what I would say is listen or like, you know, I can't do that at the moment, like my priorities aren't on yet, and if they get offended by that being my priorities, that's their journey to go on. And they don't want to be my friend anymore, because I have my own priorities, and I'm picking me first. That's okay. They don't have to be my dream. You don't have to, because I'm not going to perform for someone else. And do something for someone. Something for someone else just to make them Yeah, and that's, that's the part I've got to work on. Like, because I do feel bad. I don't want to be my friend. Okay, you made that choice. I know. I know. Like, it's okay. Like, and maybe that's better that I'm not their friend. Like, maybe I'm not, like, making a good enough friend for them. My circles fall into par KV my circles and like, but there's people like that I will give all my time for. If you made me up and you were having an issue, I would drop everything I know like so because you value me like and you value like us, yeah? So therefore I will put my time in for you. Yeah, my birthday. Well, if someone wants to take my time and see the birthday doesn't matter, doesn't matter to you, like that only matters. Doesn't matter for you. I don't care. Yeah, yeah. If them. Yes, then, then, what's that? What's the point of that? Well, there is. There's no like, it's no mutual exchange there. Like that. You want her to be a mutual like, let's catch up. Let's catch up. Let's see. Oh, let's, let's catch up. You're like, do you want to catch up with me? For you or for me, you know? Like, I don't know. So what do you say when someone says, let's catch up, you mean someone who don't want to catch up with you, and they've said, let's catch up. Sometimes you just go, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, yeah, oh, good. Tell you the same thing. I don't lie. No, I'm not lying. I'm saying, Yeah, let's try and work that out. And then what happens from there is like, we're both, we're busy, we're busy. Yeah, I don't I'm just figuring out. I don't really have that many people that say, let's catch up, but I don't want to catch up with I think they just naturally donate. They aren't in my life, I can't think of anyone right now who said you want to catch up and upset, and I don't want to. It's not that, it's not even that you don't want to. It's just like I need to prioritize, like, what else is going on before I can say yes to this, for example, yeah. Like, it's just there's so much, yeah. How much can someone do? And I want to be home at times, like, I don't want to be out all the time, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. So yes, the gift of time is precious, yeah? And choose it. And, like, choosing Yeah, and like, when and when someone gives you their time, notice, yeah? And appreciate it, though, because I do notice and I do appreciate it. Yeah, we've, I've got here in our little notes, like a little thing to discuss normalizing boundaries and choosing peace over tradition, yeah? And I think that that's the thing, like, the last couple of years, when I think of, like, what have I really, you know, at the start of a year, what's the intention that I've really wanted? I've had to choose peace over, like, inner peace over saying yes and pleasing people. So traditionally, for example, like, I don't get to see all of my cousins, for example, on Christmas Eve. So we would, you know, usually organize an event beforehand. No one's made an effort to organize the event. It's hard to organize the event. That hurts, but I'm peaceful, like, I've got a big lead up to Christmas with other things. When am I meant to fit this in? That doesn't actually mean I don't want to see you. I do, but I can't be the one to organize that right now. I actually don't have the capacity to be like, I just cannot organize this. I cannot do this. I cannot. Are you the one that normally organizes everything? Most of the time, I organize a lot, but there have been other family members that have done, yeah, yeah. They have stepped up. But for me, I just can't I need to choose. I need to choose the inner peace. Peace means every time, do you feel peaceful? Generally, yes, most of the time. I used to run and look. Sometimes you might look at my life and go, you're still running on a bit of cortisol and adrenaline. And adrenaline, and I do sometimes. I'll be lying if I said I didn't, but internally, the stress O Meter no longer exists. It's like a, like a balancing, I don't know, like watching, you know, the waves rolling at the time I got the tide. It's like that. It's just constant, and it always happens. It might come up a little bit higher to the rocks, and then it might go back down. But i There's no fucking tsunami. And if there is a tsunami, you'll know about, yeah, I'm here. Yes. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So what kind of gifts do you like to give at Christmas? I'm a thoughtful gift giver. I love giving gifts. I love gifting something that someone might have said at the start of the year and they've forgotten, or they think I might have forgotten, and then you get the gift, and you give the gift, and they're like, oh my god, you remembered. Like, the thought behind it doesn't have to be fucking expensive. Like, give me anything. Like, I love being able to give the kids something that they've said, and then they think, like, Oh no, mom doesn't remember at all. And I have like, I love that, or experiences. Yes, I'm an experience. As you know, we've given each other experiences. This is the first year that I gave you a thing, yes, yes, and not an experience. And that was again, but I'm one of these people. I buy, I buy things for people based on, it doesn't have to be Christmas. So give people gifts that aren't Christmas, yeah, that aren't a time of year, like, I just just randomly give them gifts, yeah, like, when I feel like giving them a gift, and I was, I was saying earlier to someone last year, was so cool because my book came out, and all of a sudden I became like, you know, we talk about identity, and how my identity for many, many, many years was she's the one with all the autistic kids. She's got four autistic kids. She's the autistic woman. Just, if that's how people knew me, and the book came out, all sudden I'm a sex lady. I'm like, This is so cool, because that's an identity, not that I'd love to get rid of that identity, but it's like an identity that travels with you forever, yes. And I was like, I can't believe I've actually superseded an identity, which was awesome, because then I was able to buy all of my friends sex toys for Christmas. Feel the sex lady who doesn't want that, to the point where even the Chris Pringle at work had had a sex toy in it, and the lady that actually bought it was not appropriate to receive the sex toy and but it was cool, because I didn't care, like, I just went up to her and I go, Listen, this gift is not for you. We're swapping out your gift. And the gift she ended up having was a drink bottle that she still uses every week, brings it in every week, and every week, I think about that sex toy that got swapped out for the drink bottle. Great story. I didn't care though. You know, like you carry these, oh my god, I can't believe blah, blah, blah, I got this gift. I just didn't I wasn't worried about it. We chatted and we went, That's not for you. And she went, Yeah, it's not for me and they just move on. I found last year in particular, and this year the same the like, the chains are off. You could talk about buying anything for people, you know? Yeah. I mean, before we started the pod, we did, like a silly Santa one year with my cousin. Thing was two years ago, literally just before we started the pod, yeah, and I gave a sexy land voucher at the time, no one wanted, no one knew what it was. And then my cousin, he got it, and I'm like, well, it's for you and your wife now, like, you can go and have a little play. Like I was cheeky then, yeah, I thought that was a nice idea. Like, go and buy something for yourself. Wait, because are they going to go to 69 are they going to prioritize that money? No, do they want to go fuck yes, yeah, I have. I mean, I've been repeatedly showing this over and over again since we started the pod, but I have podcast questions that people come in Iran and stranger often, you can come in, like, explaining to them podcasts aboutsex, if you they all want to know what the question is. Yeah, they all want to answer it. People want to talk about these things. People want it in their lives. Yeah, they just need permission, and they need to feel like it's okay. So how cool is that? That's right, we have to buy something. We've got a voucher. That's right. It's so cool. And what about you? Peace? What peace over tradition? Like, what does that mean for you? What does peace over tradition mean for me? Like, I kind of, like, let go of tradition, of a lot of things, time ago, actually, to be honest with you, I'm bringing back tradition. Yeah, I feel like you're reversing, yeah. I'm redefining Christmas again in a great definition. Like, yeah. So I kind of, I feel like I'm going sort of an anti Christmas. Well, 100% so at work, we divided the room into two parts, and, like, one half is Christmas because, like, I'm traditionally the Grinch, but of course, they find mine. It's true that, like me participating in the wrenches, me participating in Christmas, yes, but it's my little fun way of being anti Christmas while on Christmas, and then I'm having Christmas at my house, which I haven't had for years and years. So like, I feel like I'm now bringing back tradition and but I needed to not have it for peace. Yeah, there was a year I think I spoke to I said, What are you putting to do today? Like nothing, but how can you do nothing? And I couldn't understand why you'd want to be alone. And I get it, yeah, yeah. It was really cool that you I loved it. My kids went to their dads. We already had my family Christmas, yeah, but on that day, and then that's what you're saying, still consistent with who you are. It's not about the day. It can be any day happy. I've been into joy allocation. I've never been in this I think you missed the moment. I think you missed the good things, yeah, if you're trying to make them interfere into fit into this day, yeah? And for often, often people, it doesn't fit into the day. And then it's like, oh shit, it happened, and I've missed my joy. Just enjoy your joy when the joy comes. Whereas I need a day to remember to be joyful. Thank you. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, have like, be grateful. Have your peace every day. You know, we like to have fun every day, don't we? Because to be honest with you, is there a greater joy? See, epitome of, I think, I think it's the highest thing I've come to for enlightenment. Enlightenment, yeah, what else I've got on my notes here is identity, generational shift and values? Yeah. I think people, from what I can see, if you have, whoever you have, like, there are people that from work, for example, that have come from overseas. They have come from overseas. They have created their own family here, and they've started their own traditions. And I think that's what it's simple, like you said, joy, gratitude, coming together whenever over the holiday period, that's enough. And that's what I'm starting to see. Like people just making it whatever they want it to be, yeah, yeah. You know, writing your own Yes, yeah, yeah. You know, you start, you can start a tradition at any point, yeah, absolutely. Doesn't have to be something that's, you know, historical. You can make you can parplay, yeah, which is what's best for you? Yeah, that'd be bringing back, bringing in the old things, or, Yes, but there's a lot of old thing, like, old past times coming back, I think, yeah, yeah, yeah. We started our annual traditions and, like, getting our own fresh tree every year. Like, you know, we see that's only you fast, so it's only our third year. I think. Did you spray it with hairspray? You got to spray with hairspray. So I hope you're listening to this answer so the needles don't fall down. I fucking sprayed it with hairspray. What are you doing? And there's been not one anymore that's all down for the whole month. I was literally, I sprayed every little angle. You're intoxicated, intoxicating me. Yeah? No, it's it was amazing. Yeah, I did. Thank you. I did. Tell Tell me this. How would you encourage the expert, am I in the holidays? In the holiday times? How do you make sure that you've got enough time for your relationship in that time? Why asking me this? I don't know. I think in a relationship, even though it's a marriage. I think previous I think like yesterday, I had this moment, and then I fell asleep this morning. I think if you can sit back and really observe what's going on before you, you'll feel the gratitude like you feel some warmth of what the holiday season brings. And when you feel that I don't know that, yes, you know, like, because it might be people that have had nothing to their partners, or whatever, things are a bit off. And if you, if you take the joy of the season and direct it to your partner, how cool is that? Yeah, yeah, you might reignite a spark. Something been there for a while, something, yeah, but there's always something you can observe. And if you step out of the frame, you might see it. Just give yourself. This is a chance. Like you, you've got those days off. Like, I don't know, most of the time people have that time off, but that time off, I ramp things up in that time. I work more, and I'll have my break after but yeah, I think you can give yourself the opportunity to reflect and to find those moments where you can appreciate the things about the partner that you do appreciate the other part the partner, yeah, but yeah, that's coming from my perspective. There are people that have, like, you said Christmas, is that gonna look very different for the first time this year, and I hope every year becomes more and more joyous for you in other ways, and find the joy to be where you can Yeah, it doesn't have to look a certain way. You want to be alone. Yes, it just it doesn't have to look my way. It doesn't have to look your way. Can go whatever way you fucking want it to look, as long as you're happy. And that's what I wish for you all Exactly. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. See ya. Thanks for listening to sex in the one an original podcast.